As day passes, night shadows come with the last rays of light drifting silently across the sparsely filled room, an old iron framed bed sagging beneath weight, long needed replacing, a dresser with drawers broken and hanging, a closet with the door broken and scarred from things thrown in anger, the light beckoning to her as it roams the room like sparkles of anger to go with them. Fear, comfortably setting itself deep within her soul. Emptiness surrounding her, a depth of emotion never experienced before. Slowly rising, brushing the gnarled and matted hair from her brow, she reached for the dirty glass from nights before to fill it with whiskey. Gulping the fiery liquid she poured another, feeling the sudden rush of warmth knowing that it will stay and comfort her keeping her safe from demons that chase round and round in the last flickers of light. Are they locked into my mind she asked herself? Can I refuse to follow, will they then go or should she follow to see where they would carry her. Why fight the raging fire that burns so deep within, what possibility of wrong done can be undone Emptiness slowly overpowers her mind as she stumbles to her bed where dreams will fill her with memories past and present of life’s lost choices wrongly made. Sins too great to bear, regrets filling a river with salty tears that fall from her puffed eyes and ashen face. Lying there frozen into another time, bitterness and seeds of sorrow linger into another day. She realized too late that her lot had been cast, molds made and broken, no way to repair the wrongs done as she now faced the harvest of her life, barren and alone, drained of life. Return of the early morning light dawn breaks across the room where the wind softly blows the sweetness of day. She struggles to rise, to pull tighter the musty smelling drapes and close the shades, pouring another glass full of whiskey, turning she lay back upon the bed and begged to the demons to please take her with them, to save her from the day.
Beth heard the loud knocking and shouting from within the haze of whiskey, “go away” she screamed. Why did they continue to anger her, she wondered in her drunken stupor, didn’t they know she wanted to be alone forever now, ”just go away, go away,” she mumbled to herself as she reached for the whiskey again. “Damn it” who took my whiskey she screamed, “you had better get me another now, do you hear me damn it.” The knock had faded away; she could hear footsteps moving from the door as she pulled herself up. Holding her head, she ran her fingers over the tangled and matted hair pushing it from her face. “Oh hell what am I doing now?” she found herself listening to her voice, “who the hell are you and where did you come from, who told you, you could be here. Get the hell out now do you hear me.” Silence was her solitude and she wanted it to remain that way. She did not care what day it was or year, it could have mattered less, “damn I need a drink” she said reaching for the side of the dresser to pull herself steady,” now where did I put the damn money?” she said rummaging through the broken drawers, finding it she grabbed for the wall and went to the door. Cracking the door a bit she looked down the hallway, hoping no one would be out as she pulled it open. Hurriedly she ran down the hall and steps to the corner liquor store, “whiskey” she said as she laid the money on the counter, grabbing the bottle she ran back to her room. Breaking the seal she turned the bottle and drank a long slow drink, then she rested the bottle on the dresser and lay back on the bed, her face ashen after realizing she had faced the sunlight, now the demons would surely find her. She knew not to leave in the day, night was her only cover, she must not do that again as she fell asleep form the sudden rush of the excitement and liquor.
Waking hours later it was almost early morning, she lay there in soaked clothes, from the sweats of her stupor, tossing the dirty sheet off to the floor she reached for the whiskey again, it was almost gone now and she couldn’t remember drinking that much, “damn it the liquor store is closed” she said as the clock ticked almost four now. That meant going back off in the daylight as she downed another long drink and lay back down once again, this time sleep not coming to her and she began to weep loudly and then slowly a long blood curdling scream filled her body and she passed out once more.
Her dreams took her to a place she didn’t want to go and in her sleep she tossed and cried, ripping her soul where the demons she dreaded lived now. She was driving a new car, a big car, it was a bright red, her favorite color, the windows down and with the wind blowing her hair she sang, then turning to look in the backseat, she screamed as the car went turning into the air going round and round, then off down an embankment as the car still turned, catching fire as it landed below in the ravine. She didn’t hear the sirens and the ambulances as they had come, nor did she hear the people exclaiming how she could have survived this terrible crash. Some were looking to see if anyone else had been in the car, a stretcher was taking her away as she fought to go to the car screaming “he is in there please someone get him.” They hadn’t heard her as the car exploded and with her screams still ringing, the ambulance had driven away rushing her to the closest hospital. The doctors worked hard to save her, a lung had been damaged, her arm and both legs broken and a gash on her forehead needing many stitches. It would take months for her to recover the doctor had said to her family, stating she was very lucky to be alive. Her parents had come and her husband had remained with the car and the rescuers trying to find Davey, he was just three months old and a beautiful little boy, Beth had never been so happy as the day she had him and well her husband, Ben went crazy buying all the things for little boys
Ben standing quietly beside her bed when she awoke, with tears coming down his face she screamed again, as he reached to hold her and give her comfort, she jerked away screaming at him” go away, go away, you’re lying, no go away go.” Then she just simply went limp and slid into a coma. She had remained in the coma for almost a year and then one day as Ben begged her to come back to him her eyes opened and the look in them chilled Ben down to the core of his soul. Days later she told him to go away and never to come back, she refused to see her family and few close friends. Months later she left the hospital to go to a rehab, the doctors hoped there she would learn to walk again and with counseling she might get her life back. Ben never came back again and her family finally gave up hoping that in time she would come back to them.
It now had been five long years, Beth learned to walk again, the counseling had not helped her as she had checked herself out and left on the first bus she could get, she wanted to be far away from those who had known her, the ache in her heart had turned bitter and sour, blaming herself she needed to be away from those she had loved. This was unforgivable to her; she had cost her baby’s life and hurt her Ben more than anyone could have ever dared to. She belonged in jail or someplace else not free to live again and have a new life, she didn’t want one she wanted her baby and Ben. It was just too late now the damage had already been done and there would never be a way to repair or bring Davey back to her. She didn’t care where she was at or where she would live now as she looked for a room, finding one she went to find a liquor store, there she bought her first bottle of whiskey and drank it till her mind was numb and the hurt buried deep in her soul, she had said goodbye to Ben and Davey and now she would say goodbye to Beth, she no longer cared about anything. They were all gone and now just the demons would keep her and stay with her to torture her till one day she would be no more, how fitting she thought as she drank the whiskey to the last.
The knock came on the door again, this time no screams came as the man knocked again and again. No answer as he left once again, this time coming back with the lady who rented the rooms out. Asking her to open the door, he saw her there, lying in all the filth, broken and empty bottles all around, the room reeked of foul smells, as he leaned over her and gently felt for her pulse. It was there faint but there, as he asked the lady to call for an ambulance immediately. Rushing her to the hospital, the doctors worked fast and feverously over her, he knew it might be too late for her. He silently left to find a chapel, there he got down on his knees and asked the Lord to please spare her, she had punished herself enough, it was time for her to heal and come home with him, he loved her more than life itself and wept as he begged God to let her come back. Getting up he went back outside the door where she was. The doctor told him, “she might pull through, it depends on her will, and she has done a lot of damage to herself.” Ben thanked the doctor and found a room where he could wait till they moved her to a room, then he would stay with her till she came back to him, vowing never to leave her alone again, he silently prayed again.
Days passed as Beth fought to die, while Ben kept praying, it was as if two worlds were colliding and he was determined her world would survive and she would heal this time with his help and love, no forgiveness was necessary for him, as he had learned a tractor trailer truck had left its lane and hit her head on, the driver had survived and was living his own hell as she was living hers, she had to know it was not her fault and to forgive herself was not necessary as she was not responsible that day, it was just a day where a choice had been made with no reason of understanding, it was just to be excepted and try and learn to live to love again. A week passed and Beth slowly came back to him and with the help of a psychiatrist, they worked through the accident and the years afterwards. Beth was so very hard on herself and the doctor decided to use hypnosis on her to learn what was fueling her mind. After several weeks of this they all came to understand Beth’s guilty feelings, when she had turned to the backseat, Davey was fussing and she was trying to find his pacifier and put it in his mouth, she had never seen the truck coming at her. The doctor explained the way it happened, had she saw it coming little could have been done to avoid it, she needed to accept that it was fate for some unknown reason that took Davey that day and it was not her fault. She had sobbed in Ben’s arms till she collapsed, but when it was over he took her home, where they had shared everything and most of all Davey, there was a beautiful picture of him by her bed and when she was ready she could put it away or leave it Ben told her. Beth thanked him for all his love and support and hoped that he would take her to see Davey’s grave soon. Answering her the following week he took her there, kneeling down she placed her hands on the angel Ben had put there, she could feel his warmth and sweet smell as she gently laid the baby roses beside him and said goodbye, with Ben holding her they walked into a new day, her demons now gone, life would begin again.
© Tobie Haga Roy
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Friday, June 10, 2005
Auntie May and Rachel
Chapter 1
The warmth of the sun spread across the room, sparkling fragments dashing from one to another as Rachel sat there quietly, looking down on the soft face of her Auntie May. Even though her skin was wrinkled from time and hard work, it had the glow of softness and soft to her touch as she gently pushed the silver threads of her hair away from her brow. Her eyes closed, were still a brilliant blue as a sky on a clear day, much like a pool drawing one into them, laying one bare before her, as she had often drawn Rachel out to reveal her secret thoughts.
Auntie May, had been her Mother, Grandmother, sister, best friend for all of her life, she never knew another and it often seemed her world was incomplete, but Auntie May would always find a way to pull her back to the present and make her realize that she was blessed and a very lucky young girl. Rachel had learned slowly over time that her parents had been killed in a car wreck shortly after she was born. Auntie May was her only flesh and blood remaining and gladly took her in. She looked like her Mom, Auntie May would say to her. Often telling her, she had the fire and spirit of her Father. Rachel could recall the many times, they would disagree and how with her gentle way Auntie May would soothe the fire from her. Her Father, Robert was Auntie May’s brother who was a few years younger; he was just twenty-seven when he was killed. Her Mother, Elizabeth had been Auntie May’s dearest friend, a soft gentle spirit that loved life and enjoyed being a young wife and Mother, she was just twenty-five when the accident happened, living only long enough to ask Auntie May to care for her child, then she had silently closed her eyes.
Rachel sat there a smile slowly encompassing her face as she looked about the room. It was a big room, walls were painted in a soft golden color and the moldings a lighter gold, with drapes of sheer lace adorning the large paned window where the sun would enter and dance around the room, depending on the time of the day the room was a wonderful place to escape from the hectic pace of life in Charleston. An oil painting hung there of Auntie May, the artist capturing her gentle way and softness, Rachel loved looking at the painting and would often imagine having her own portrait beside it. A small stool sat beside the huge four-poster bed of Victorian design, she could remember trying to climb upon it when she was very young, she loved being in the bed with Auntie May, the dressing table was filled with perfumes, powders and a lavish hand mirror. Rachel getting up went to the dressing table and picked the old mirror up, looking into it she could see the reflection of herself and smiling, once again she carefully laid it down, it had been the one thing of her Mothers that Auntie May treasured. Turning she quietly lifted the door of the desk, she had loved sitting there while Auntie May wrote in the small book, it seemed to make her happy, she picked it up to open when Auntie May stirred, laying the book down she went to her side.
Chapter 2
Auntie May had gone to school in Charleston, then on to college where she had met a wonderful young man. Barron, he swept her off her feet from the moment they met, they made plans of marriage and then put them on hold as Barron had been called to serve his country. The summer of forty-three filled her with happiness and sorrow as Barron left for the war. His letters were slow in getting to her but she wrote him everyday, telling him of things at home and how she couldn’t wait for him to return home. The letters became less and less as time passed; now it was the year of forty-five and Barron’s last letter came. It was filled with a message of love and hope for their future, but none would ever be as his family called her to let her know Barron had been killed in action and they would see her soon. They had a memorial service and said their good-byes, she wept for days, cherishing her letters and vowed to never love again. If love had ever come again no one knew, Auntie May kept Barron’s picture by her bed. His letters tied in blue ribbons lay in her desk. Her letters had been returned unread and lay beside his with pink ribbon.
Auntie May kept busy, Robert her brother would be marrying her best friend Elizabeth. She was delighted and helped make the arrangements for the big day. They had a terrific wedding and honeymooned in Niagara Falls. A few months later they told her of the coming child. Auntie may was thrilled when Rachel had been born. Her beautiful little face was like an angel and her hair was like a raven, with eyes of the same blue of Auntie May’s. Rachel had just turned six-months when the police had come to get Auntie May. Taking her quickly to the hospital she held Elizabeth’s hand and listened as she asked her to care for Rachel. It was too late to say good-bye to Robert he had been killed instantly; sobbing the police took her to Rachel. Elizabeth’s family came for the funeral and helped her pack up the house; closing the door to their home she took Rachel to the big Victorian she lived in. Elizabeth’s family never answered the letters she sent and finally the letters came back with “return to sender” marked in red. She never tried to get in touch with them again; the pain of losing their only daughter must have been too great for them. Rachel and her became a family and she vowed to always watch and care for her beloved Rachel.
The big Victorian set back on a sprawling landscape, filled with Magnolia’s and Maples, Oaks higher than any seemed centuries old, lining the outer edges of the home hidden from view. Inside the grounds, hibiscus, oleanders, with sprawling azalea’s, climbing vines of honeysuckle and jasmine lined the walls of the old Victorian, Auntie May loved this house; it had belonged to her family and was left in trust for her and Robert after the passing of their family. It was filled with fabulous furniture and offered her a nice life for the two of them now. She leased out the surrounding land to the cotton growers and her profits kept them quite nicely for years.
Auntie May had kept a few acres to grow fresh vegetables and a place for fruit trees, the fresh peaches each year seemed to always be her favorite. A pond stocked with trout and big mouth bass, which would always give her a good fight in catching one, making for a delicious dinner. Rachel had loved to go there with her and romp around while she cast her pole. They had spent hours in the vegetable gardens, gathering the fruit of their labor. Rachel would eat her fill of tomatoes while helping her gather fresh vegetables and greens for the dinner each day. Rachel even as a child loved cooking and helping Auntie May, wanting to do more than she was capable of most times, but Auntie May always gave in letting her try, but always having her to clean up the messes she made from her attempts. Rachel never seemed to mind as each day she would be ready to try all over again.
Chapter 3
Auntie May enrolled Rachel in school, letting her walk each day. She would meet her down by the road, which was just a short way from the school. Rachel would come bouncing and singing to greet her and share with her all the things she had learned that day. Rachel loved English and Writing, Math challenged her and Auntie May had to work a little harder with her for that. History became a quick favorite of both as Auntie May liked collecting Antiques and through them she would teach Rachel of the history with each item. On the day of her report card, Rachel would come running, beaming with pride and saying thank you to her for the help in getting good grades. Auntie May would share her joy and both would go into town for a big ice cream at the local soda shop, Rachel would always pick strawberry while Auntie May chose chocolate. They would stroll the street and lick away at their cones while giggling like two small children. Auntie May’s world was complete and Rachel blossomed into a young and beautiful girl as the years passed much to fast for Auntie May. Rachel would graduate soon and be off to college and Auntie May spent time getting things ready for the big day. She had gotten her gown for the big prom dance, a beautiful pale pink, with lace and ribbon falling down the slim skirt. She had given Rachel her Grandmothers pearls and her Mom’s wristwatch of diamonds. Rachel glowed the night of the dance as she came down the spiraling staircase, Auntie May had the camera rolling as her date rang the doorbell. Auntie May waited up for her, so she could hear all about the night. Rachel came home around two in the morning and jumping on the stool by her bed sprawled upon the bed next to Auntie May. They spent the rest of the night laughing and giggling at what a great time she had. Early morning Rachel kissed Auntie May goodnight and thanking her went off to her room so they both could sleep late that day. Later they would talk of college and things to come. Smiling and content Auntie May slept like a baby.
Rachel graduated in the top ten of her class and with Auntie May’s help decided to go to Yale. Rachel wanted a degree in Arts and Business. Her plans called for her to open a shop with Auntie May and become a dealer in art and antiques. This would take her away from home but she would come home every chance she could and especially all the holidays. Those years passed fast for both of them, soon Rachel would graduate from Yale and they would start scouting out a place near Charleston for a shop, both were filled with excitement as the days moved forward. Soon they would enter the shop, Rachel had asked Auntie May if she could surprise her with the name for the shop and she agreed to let her choose it. Friends had gathered and a reporter from the local paper came to give them press for their opening. Rachel drove her aunt to the front of the store blindfolded and helped her from the car. Holding her hand, she removed the blindfold and Auntie Mays eyes filled with tears as she saw her name hanging in golden letters of Victorian Style, hugging Rachel and both crying they entered the shop.
They would take turns going on buying trips, selecting only the best, the little shop was soon turning a profit, after just a few short years, Auntie Mays was known the country over for her collectables and art. Now they could hire skilled people to help and maybe start another store, the future just kept getting brighter for both of them Auntie May worried that Rachel had not met anyone to share her life with and Rachel would let her know she just wasn’t ready to settle down and raise a family, but promised someday to give her a great-niece or nephew.
Chapter 4
Rachel had given to her all that she could have ever hoped for a life filled with joy, excitement and a bond that time could not break, she knew now her life was complete with meaning and love. She was nearing sixty-three and Rachel just barely thirty, had to be told now of her illness. Fearing how to tell her she let the days go by with no word of it. Rachel must have sensed because she now took on more of the shop and would tell her to just take it easy, with all the help they had she would say “it’s time you rested a bit, take the day off.” Auntie May would smile and let her have her way and while she was at home resting she walked the grounds, remembering all the wonderful times they both shared. She was content to let Rachel completely handle the shop and soon approached her about taking over and her retiring. Rachel agreed and never questioned Auntie May, she loved her work and wanted only the best for the aunt she loved dearly.
Entering the man’s office, he showed her to a seat and greeted her pleasantly and asking what was on her mind today. Auntie May had trusted Ethan since they met years ago and he handle all of her affairs; today she needed to finish some unfinished business, her will. Ethan listened carefully and after an hour told her papers would be ready for her to sign next week if that would be all right with her. Agreeing she left his office and retuned home, going to her room she lay across her bed and drifted asleep.
Rachel bouncing into her room was excited like a child. “Guess what Auntie!!! Guess what?” Auntie May rubbing her eyes opened them to see her niece smiling from ear to ear,” well are you going to tell me or do we play twenty question,” she asked Rachel. Laughing, Rachel jumped on the big bed and snuggled next to her, “Oh Auntie I met him, I met him” she said. “His name is Alexander and he is gorgeous Auntie, oh I think I am in love’ she told her. Auntie May smiling now hugged her and they spent the next hour talking about Alexander, Auntie May couldn’t have been happier for her.” I’ve invited him to dinner next week if that is all right with you” Rachel asked. “Of course my dear, we will have a party if you like.” “No, no I just want it to be us Auntie, he can’t wait to meet you.” Auntie May smiling now said, “Come my dear I’m starving now.”
Auntie May went back to meet Ethan the following week, signing the papers she walked out of his office relieved now and satisfied. All would be right if something happened to her and she felt a weigh lift free from her heart. Life was good as she went to start the dinner for Alexander that evening. She had put a standing ribbed roast in while she ran errands, now all that needed fixing were the vegetables. Standing there she felt a bit faint and brushed the feeling aside as she prepared the vegetables and potatoes for the meal. Her famous peach cobbler was in the cooler and the fresh whipped cream there also. Things were coming together nicely as she went to set the dinning room for tonight. Getting out her beautiful candelabra’s, she placed them upon the lace tablecloth with the beautifully cut fresh flowers of roses and gladiola’s. Fresh baby’s breath filled the empty spaces in the flowers. Opening the china cabinet she felt a pain run down her arm, stopping her for a moment, shrugging that off she finished the table and sat down to rest a moment. Everything was now ready all she needed was Rachel and Alexander to come soon.
Chapter 5
Rachel and Alexander opened the door and Rachel calling out “Auntie May we’re here.” Maybe she didn’t hear us come in Rachel thought as she led Alexander into the Living Room, “I’ll be right back, fix yourself a drink if you want.” Going toward the kitchen the aroma’s coming from there quickened her hunger as she pushed open the door to the kitchen, “ Oh Auntie May you’ve out done yourself I can tell,” her words stopping in air as she screamed loudly and Alexander came running, there lay Auntie May on the kitchen floor, a pot holder in her hand. Alexander got the phone calling an ambulance and tried to soothe Rachel as they waited, he bent to cradle her as she lay holding Auntie May, “Oh please, please God, let her be alive,” she kept saying over and over.
The doctor spoke with Rachel and she sobbed her tears, “why didn’t she tell me?” she asked of him. “Rachel she didn’t want you worrying over her” he spoke quietly trying to comfort her. “She doesn’t have much time left, you better go to her now” he said, as she went to Auntie May’s room. Coming into the room Auntie May opened her eyes and asked Rachel to take her home, “yes Auntie May I will, I’ll be right back” she said to her and left the room to make arrangements for her to leave. The doctor advising against it finally agreed to let her leave and called the ambulance service to take her there. Telling Rachel that he would send a nurse within the hour. She thanked him and Alexander drove Rachel home ahead of the ambulance. Running upstairs she got Auntie Mays bed ready and sat down to wait for her, Alexander never leaving her side for a moment.
Auntie May looked peaceful as she lay in her bed, her eyes the brilliant blue held Rachel’s for a moment and in that moment they knew, little time was left for them. Reaching for Rachel’s hand, she held it for a moment and squeezing it gently and telling her she loved her she drifted to sleep. The nurse came in to sit with her while Rachel changed her clothes, pulling on her old jeans and shirt, she went to the kitchen and called Alexander to come and help fix them a plate, while they had a moment to reflect on the next happenings, Rachel found she was starving.
Going back to Auntie May’s room, she asked to be left alone with her; she needed that as Alexander said he would go home and come back later on, but if she needed him just to phone. Kissing him on the cheek and thanking him she went back into the room. Now sitting here, she was filled with heartache for Auntie May, losing her had never entered her mind, she wondered if she thought they would live forever. Smiling she reached for her hand and Auntie May opened her eyes, smiling back at her now she said “Rachel, I love you my child, I’ll always be with you,” pulling Rachel’s hand to her mouth she kissed it, slowly her head leaned, her eyes closing, a smile upon her face, she left Rachel.
Rachel got up leaned over and pulled her close, “I’ll always love you Auntie May,” and cried softly into her arms till the nurse came in and managed to pull her away. “ She is gone Rachel, you have to let go, “ she said quietly and guided her out of the room and phoned the doctor and Alexander to come quickly. She lay in her room, crying and crying as Alexander came back to find her, he knew that Auntie May was all Rachel had and this would be very hard for her to get through. He promised Rachel he would stay by her side and hold her, as she fell asleep in his arms.
Chapter 6
Ethan called Rachel, asking when he could come to see her, telling her he needed to settle her aunts affairs. She agreed to a time and he was prompt as he came that day. Rachel wearing her old jeans and shirt didn’t see the need of dressing for him as she let him in the door. It had been a month now since Auntie May’s death and her things had been packed and stored, this was the last business that needed tending.
Sitting in her favorite chair Rachel asked Ethan to begin, while she listened closely. “Well” he said, “lets get to it, your Auntie May was quite a wealthy woman you know.” Rachel looked at him her mouth hanging open, “no I didn’t know that, I never asked about her financial affairs, nor she mine.” “She came in a few weeks ago and asked me to set things up and to give you this upon her death, other than that she has left you everything that was hers,” he said. “You’re a very rich woman now,” he told her. The home is worth more than a million three, the land around it about four million, the furnishings in the home are well over two million. Rachel sat dazed and frozen, what was he saying as she asked him to repeat all of it once more. Ethan then handed her the letter and told her Auntie May wanted her to read it alone in Auntie May’s room. He told her he needed a signature and things would all be transferred to her immediately. Then excusing himself, he let himself out.
“Oh Auntie May, what have you done, why did you leave me all this, “ as she sat there crying softly, didn’t she know money would never replace her and it didn’t matter to her. Getting up she climbed the stairs and entered the room. Suddenly she just jumped up on the bed and opened the letter, seeing her writing made tears flow as she tried to read the letter.
My Darling Rachel, I have loved you since the day of your birth. My heart broke when your parents were killed, knowing you would never know them and how very much they loved you. You have the tenderness of your Father and the sweetness and softness of your Mother. Your beauty comes from both of them and a little of me is in your blue eyes. I know you have asked many questions and I’ve answered them best I could. I hope and pray that you have felt the love we all had for you. In my desk, you will find my diary darling girl, read it when you feel up to it. I tried to record everyday something about you even when you were away. It is the only history of your wonderful life and mine that we have shared through all the years together; it is my gift to you. I want you to have a good life and I hope one day you will marry and have children; you have so very much to share with them. Never be afraid to love, take a chance, I did and just look at the happiness I found in you after losing my Barron, I thought life was over till you came along. My days have been filled with the greatest gifts of love by you, know that I will be looking down on you and keeping you safe from harm. Keep our shops going, share them with the world over. You can do it my darling, as you have shown me how. When your parents died, I took their savings and insurance and set up an account for you, through the years it has grown as you have. My darling Rachel, Ethan has the files in his office for you, I asked him to call you after you read this and disclose to you the amount that has been incurred over the years. I wish you the greatest happiness ever My Darling, know that my love will always live on through you. Love, Auntie May
Rachel’s eyes were burning from the tears that flowed so freely now, she knew Auntie May was there beside her and would always be, just then the phone rang as she leaned over to answer it. “Hello” she said and Ethan answered back, “I take it that you have read your aunts letter by now.” “I have sent a courier over to you with the files for your approval, just sign and send them back soon as possible dear.” The phone clicked and the doorbell rang, running she went down the spiraling stairs to the door.
The man standing there asked her to sign and left, leaving her standing, trembling as she shut the door. Sliding down to the floor, she slid her finger down the seal to open it, “wait, wait, oh my, is this really true?” She peeled the fold back and pulled the papers out, then reading them her heart pounding as she saw the amount of five million dollars, if she wanted to check the files for accuracy or send them to an auditor of her choosing, but that she needed to get this done in a speedy time frame.
Nothing could have ever prepared her for this day, She knew Auntie May was smiling crazy right about now, she went into the kitchen pouring a drink, picking the phone up, she dialed the number, the ringing seem to take forever, suddenly a voice answered “Hello” the sound of his voice thrilled her as she said “Oh thank God Alexander, you’re home can you please come over?” “Of Course I can be right there,” he said and hung up. Rachel was waiting in the drive as his car pulled up, jumping into his arms she told him she loved him and yes she would marry him if he still wanted her. He held her back and looked into her blue eyes “are you sure my love?” “Yes Oh yes, I’m sure, Auntie May has blessed us this day my love.
The warmth of the sun spread across the room, sparkling fragments dashing from one to another as Rachel sat there quietly, looking down on the soft face of her Auntie May. Even though her skin was wrinkled from time and hard work, it had the glow of softness and soft to her touch as she gently pushed the silver threads of her hair away from her brow. Her eyes closed, were still a brilliant blue as a sky on a clear day, much like a pool drawing one into them, laying one bare before her, as she had often drawn Rachel out to reveal her secret thoughts.
Auntie May, had been her Mother, Grandmother, sister, best friend for all of her life, she never knew another and it often seemed her world was incomplete, but Auntie May would always find a way to pull her back to the present and make her realize that she was blessed and a very lucky young girl. Rachel had learned slowly over time that her parents had been killed in a car wreck shortly after she was born. Auntie May was her only flesh and blood remaining and gladly took her in. She looked like her Mom, Auntie May would say to her. Often telling her, she had the fire and spirit of her Father. Rachel could recall the many times, they would disagree and how with her gentle way Auntie May would soothe the fire from her. Her Father, Robert was Auntie May’s brother who was a few years younger; he was just twenty-seven when he was killed. Her Mother, Elizabeth had been Auntie May’s dearest friend, a soft gentle spirit that loved life and enjoyed being a young wife and Mother, she was just twenty-five when the accident happened, living only long enough to ask Auntie May to care for her child, then she had silently closed her eyes.
Rachel sat there a smile slowly encompassing her face as she looked about the room. It was a big room, walls were painted in a soft golden color and the moldings a lighter gold, with drapes of sheer lace adorning the large paned window where the sun would enter and dance around the room, depending on the time of the day the room was a wonderful place to escape from the hectic pace of life in Charleston. An oil painting hung there of Auntie May, the artist capturing her gentle way and softness, Rachel loved looking at the painting and would often imagine having her own portrait beside it. A small stool sat beside the huge four-poster bed of Victorian design, she could remember trying to climb upon it when she was very young, she loved being in the bed with Auntie May, the dressing table was filled with perfumes, powders and a lavish hand mirror. Rachel getting up went to the dressing table and picked the old mirror up, looking into it she could see the reflection of herself and smiling, once again she carefully laid it down, it had been the one thing of her Mothers that Auntie May treasured. Turning she quietly lifted the door of the desk, she had loved sitting there while Auntie May wrote in the small book, it seemed to make her happy, she picked it up to open when Auntie May stirred, laying the book down she went to her side.
Chapter 2
Auntie May had gone to school in Charleston, then on to college where she had met a wonderful young man. Barron, he swept her off her feet from the moment they met, they made plans of marriage and then put them on hold as Barron had been called to serve his country. The summer of forty-three filled her with happiness and sorrow as Barron left for the war. His letters were slow in getting to her but she wrote him everyday, telling him of things at home and how she couldn’t wait for him to return home. The letters became less and less as time passed; now it was the year of forty-five and Barron’s last letter came. It was filled with a message of love and hope for their future, but none would ever be as his family called her to let her know Barron had been killed in action and they would see her soon. They had a memorial service and said their good-byes, she wept for days, cherishing her letters and vowed to never love again. If love had ever come again no one knew, Auntie May kept Barron’s picture by her bed. His letters tied in blue ribbons lay in her desk. Her letters had been returned unread and lay beside his with pink ribbon.
Auntie May kept busy, Robert her brother would be marrying her best friend Elizabeth. She was delighted and helped make the arrangements for the big day. They had a terrific wedding and honeymooned in Niagara Falls. A few months later they told her of the coming child. Auntie may was thrilled when Rachel had been born. Her beautiful little face was like an angel and her hair was like a raven, with eyes of the same blue of Auntie May’s. Rachel had just turned six-months when the police had come to get Auntie May. Taking her quickly to the hospital she held Elizabeth’s hand and listened as she asked her to care for Rachel. It was too late to say good-bye to Robert he had been killed instantly; sobbing the police took her to Rachel. Elizabeth’s family came for the funeral and helped her pack up the house; closing the door to their home she took Rachel to the big Victorian she lived in. Elizabeth’s family never answered the letters she sent and finally the letters came back with “return to sender” marked in red. She never tried to get in touch with them again; the pain of losing their only daughter must have been too great for them. Rachel and her became a family and she vowed to always watch and care for her beloved Rachel.
The big Victorian set back on a sprawling landscape, filled with Magnolia’s and Maples, Oaks higher than any seemed centuries old, lining the outer edges of the home hidden from view. Inside the grounds, hibiscus, oleanders, with sprawling azalea’s, climbing vines of honeysuckle and jasmine lined the walls of the old Victorian, Auntie May loved this house; it had belonged to her family and was left in trust for her and Robert after the passing of their family. It was filled with fabulous furniture and offered her a nice life for the two of them now. She leased out the surrounding land to the cotton growers and her profits kept them quite nicely for years.
Auntie May had kept a few acres to grow fresh vegetables and a place for fruit trees, the fresh peaches each year seemed to always be her favorite. A pond stocked with trout and big mouth bass, which would always give her a good fight in catching one, making for a delicious dinner. Rachel had loved to go there with her and romp around while she cast her pole. They had spent hours in the vegetable gardens, gathering the fruit of their labor. Rachel would eat her fill of tomatoes while helping her gather fresh vegetables and greens for the dinner each day. Rachel even as a child loved cooking and helping Auntie May, wanting to do more than she was capable of most times, but Auntie May always gave in letting her try, but always having her to clean up the messes she made from her attempts. Rachel never seemed to mind as each day she would be ready to try all over again.
Chapter 3
Auntie May enrolled Rachel in school, letting her walk each day. She would meet her down by the road, which was just a short way from the school. Rachel would come bouncing and singing to greet her and share with her all the things she had learned that day. Rachel loved English and Writing, Math challenged her and Auntie May had to work a little harder with her for that. History became a quick favorite of both as Auntie May liked collecting Antiques and through them she would teach Rachel of the history with each item. On the day of her report card, Rachel would come running, beaming with pride and saying thank you to her for the help in getting good grades. Auntie May would share her joy and both would go into town for a big ice cream at the local soda shop, Rachel would always pick strawberry while Auntie May chose chocolate. They would stroll the street and lick away at their cones while giggling like two small children. Auntie May’s world was complete and Rachel blossomed into a young and beautiful girl as the years passed much to fast for Auntie May. Rachel would graduate soon and be off to college and Auntie May spent time getting things ready for the big day. She had gotten her gown for the big prom dance, a beautiful pale pink, with lace and ribbon falling down the slim skirt. She had given Rachel her Grandmothers pearls and her Mom’s wristwatch of diamonds. Rachel glowed the night of the dance as she came down the spiraling staircase, Auntie May had the camera rolling as her date rang the doorbell. Auntie May waited up for her, so she could hear all about the night. Rachel came home around two in the morning and jumping on the stool by her bed sprawled upon the bed next to Auntie May. They spent the rest of the night laughing and giggling at what a great time she had. Early morning Rachel kissed Auntie May goodnight and thanking her went off to her room so they both could sleep late that day. Later they would talk of college and things to come. Smiling and content Auntie May slept like a baby.
Rachel graduated in the top ten of her class and with Auntie May’s help decided to go to Yale. Rachel wanted a degree in Arts and Business. Her plans called for her to open a shop with Auntie May and become a dealer in art and antiques. This would take her away from home but she would come home every chance she could and especially all the holidays. Those years passed fast for both of them, soon Rachel would graduate from Yale and they would start scouting out a place near Charleston for a shop, both were filled with excitement as the days moved forward. Soon they would enter the shop, Rachel had asked Auntie May if she could surprise her with the name for the shop and she agreed to let her choose it. Friends had gathered and a reporter from the local paper came to give them press for their opening. Rachel drove her aunt to the front of the store blindfolded and helped her from the car. Holding her hand, she removed the blindfold and Auntie Mays eyes filled with tears as she saw her name hanging in golden letters of Victorian Style, hugging Rachel and both crying they entered the shop.
They would take turns going on buying trips, selecting only the best, the little shop was soon turning a profit, after just a few short years, Auntie Mays was known the country over for her collectables and art. Now they could hire skilled people to help and maybe start another store, the future just kept getting brighter for both of them Auntie May worried that Rachel had not met anyone to share her life with and Rachel would let her know she just wasn’t ready to settle down and raise a family, but promised someday to give her a great-niece or nephew.
Chapter 4
Rachel had given to her all that she could have ever hoped for a life filled with joy, excitement and a bond that time could not break, she knew now her life was complete with meaning and love. She was nearing sixty-three and Rachel just barely thirty, had to be told now of her illness. Fearing how to tell her she let the days go by with no word of it. Rachel must have sensed because she now took on more of the shop and would tell her to just take it easy, with all the help they had she would say “it’s time you rested a bit, take the day off.” Auntie May would smile and let her have her way and while she was at home resting she walked the grounds, remembering all the wonderful times they both shared. She was content to let Rachel completely handle the shop and soon approached her about taking over and her retiring. Rachel agreed and never questioned Auntie May, she loved her work and wanted only the best for the aunt she loved dearly.
Entering the man’s office, he showed her to a seat and greeted her pleasantly and asking what was on her mind today. Auntie May had trusted Ethan since they met years ago and he handle all of her affairs; today she needed to finish some unfinished business, her will. Ethan listened carefully and after an hour told her papers would be ready for her to sign next week if that would be all right with her. Agreeing she left his office and retuned home, going to her room she lay across her bed and drifted asleep.
Rachel bouncing into her room was excited like a child. “Guess what Auntie!!! Guess what?” Auntie May rubbing her eyes opened them to see her niece smiling from ear to ear,” well are you going to tell me or do we play twenty question,” she asked Rachel. Laughing, Rachel jumped on the big bed and snuggled next to her, “Oh Auntie I met him, I met him” she said. “His name is Alexander and he is gorgeous Auntie, oh I think I am in love’ she told her. Auntie May smiling now hugged her and they spent the next hour talking about Alexander, Auntie May couldn’t have been happier for her.” I’ve invited him to dinner next week if that is all right with you” Rachel asked. “Of course my dear, we will have a party if you like.” “No, no I just want it to be us Auntie, he can’t wait to meet you.” Auntie May smiling now said, “Come my dear I’m starving now.”
Auntie May went back to meet Ethan the following week, signing the papers she walked out of his office relieved now and satisfied. All would be right if something happened to her and she felt a weigh lift free from her heart. Life was good as she went to start the dinner for Alexander that evening. She had put a standing ribbed roast in while she ran errands, now all that needed fixing were the vegetables. Standing there she felt a bit faint and brushed the feeling aside as she prepared the vegetables and potatoes for the meal. Her famous peach cobbler was in the cooler and the fresh whipped cream there also. Things were coming together nicely as she went to set the dinning room for tonight. Getting out her beautiful candelabra’s, she placed them upon the lace tablecloth with the beautifully cut fresh flowers of roses and gladiola’s. Fresh baby’s breath filled the empty spaces in the flowers. Opening the china cabinet she felt a pain run down her arm, stopping her for a moment, shrugging that off she finished the table and sat down to rest a moment. Everything was now ready all she needed was Rachel and Alexander to come soon.
Chapter 5
Rachel and Alexander opened the door and Rachel calling out “Auntie May we’re here.” Maybe she didn’t hear us come in Rachel thought as she led Alexander into the Living Room, “I’ll be right back, fix yourself a drink if you want.” Going toward the kitchen the aroma’s coming from there quickened her hunger as she pushed open the door to the kitchen, “ Oh Auntie May you’ve out done yourself I can tell,” her words stopping in air as she screamed loudly and Alexander came running, there lay Auntie May on the kitchen floor, a pot holder in her hand. Alexander got the phone calling an ambulance and tried to soothe Rachel as they waited, he bent to cradle her as she lay holding Auntie May, “Oh please, please God, let her be alive,” she kept saying over and over.
The doctor spoke with Rachel and she sobbed her tears, “why didn’t she tell me?” she asked of him. “Rachel she didn’t want you worrying over her” he spoke quietly trying to comfort her. “She doesn’t have much time left, you better go to her now” he said, as she went to Auntie May’s room. Coming into the room Auntie May opened her eyes and asked Rachel to take her home, “yes Auntie May I will, I’ll be right back” she said to her and left the room to make arrangements for her to leave. The doctor advising against it finally agreed to let her leave and called the ambulance service to take her there. Telling Rachel that he would send a nurse within the hour. She thanked him and Alexander drove Rachel home ahead of the ambulance. Running upstairs she got Auntie Mays bed ready and sat down to wait for her, Alexander never leaving her side for a moment.
Auntie May looked peaceful as she lay in her bed, her eyes the brilliant blue held Rachel’s for a moment and in that moment they knew, little time was left for them. Reaching for Rachel’s hand, she held it for a moment and squeezing it gently and telling her she loved her she drifted to sleep. The nurse came in to sit with her while Rachel changed her clothes, pulling on her old jeans and shirt, she went to the kitchen and called Alexander to come and help fix them a plate, while they had a moment to reflect on the next happenings, Rachel found she was starving.
Going back to Auntie May’s room, she asked to be left alone with her; she needed that as Alexander said he would go home and come back later on, but if she needed him just to phone. Kissing him on the cheek and thanking him she went back into the room. Now sitting here, she was filled with heartache for Auntie May, losing her had never entered her mind, she wondered if she thought they would live forever. Smiling she reached for her hand and Auntie May opened her eyes, smiling back at her now she said “Rachel, I love you my child, I’ll always be with you,” pulling Rachel’s hand to her mouth she kissed it, slowly her head leaned, her eyes closing, a smile upon her face, she left Rachel.
Rachel got up leaned over and pulled her close, “I’ll always love you Auntie May,” and cried softly into her arms till the nurse came in and managed to pull her away. “ She is gone Rachel, you have to let go, “ she said quietly and guided her out of the room and phoned the doctor and Alexander to come quickly. She lay in her room, crying and crying as Alexander came back to find her, he knew that Auntie May was all Rachel had and this would be very hard for her to get through. He promised Rachel he would stay by her side and hold her, as she fell asleep in his arms.
Chapter 6
Ethan called Rachel, asking when he could come to see her, telling her he needed to settle her aunts affairs. She agreed to a time and he was prompt as he came that day. Rachel wearing her old jeans and shirt didn’t see the need of dressing for him as she let him in the door. It had been a month now since Auntie May’s death and her things had been packed and stored, this was the last business that needed tending.
Sitting in her favorite chair Rachel asked Ethan to begin, while she listened closely. “Well” he said, “lets get to it, your Auntie May was quite a wealthy woman you know.” Rachel looked at him her mouth hanging open, “no I didn’t know that, I never asked about her financial affairs, nor she mine.” “She came in a few weeks ago and asked me to set things up and to give you this upon her death, other than that she has left you everything that was hers,” he said. “You’re a very rich woman now,” he told her. The home is worth more than a million three, the land around it about four million, the furnishings in the home are well over two million. Rachel sat dazed and frozen, what was he saying as she asked him to repeat all of it once more. Ethan then handed her the letter and told her Auntie May wanted her to read it alone in Auntie May’s room. He told her he needed a signature and things would all be transferred to her immediately. Then excusing himself, he let himself out.
“Oh Auntie May, what have you done, why did you leave me all this, “ as she sat there crying softly, didn’t she know money would never replace her and it didn’t matter to her. Getting up she climbed the stairs and entered the room. Suddenly she just jumped up on the bed and opened the letter, seeing her writing made tears flow as she tried to read the letter.
My Darling Rachel, I have loved you since the day of your birth. My heart broke when your parents were killed, knowing you would never know them and how very much they loved you. You have the tenderness of your Father and the sweetness and softness of your Mother. Your beauty comes from both of them and a little of me is in your blue eyes. I know you have asked many questions and I’ve answered them best I could. I hope and pray that you have felt the love we all had for you. In my desk, you will find my diary darling girl, read it when you feel up to it. I tried to record everyday something about you even when you were away. It is the only history of your wonderful life and mine that we have shared through all the years together; it is my gift to you. I want you to have a good life and I hope one day you will marry and have children; you have so very much to share with them. Never be afraid to love, take a chance, I did and just look at the happiness I found in you after losing my Barron, I thought life was over till you came along. My days have been filled with the greatest gifts of love by you, know that I will be looking down on you and keeping you safe from harm. Keep our shops going, share them with the world over. You can do it my darling, as you have shown me how. When your parents died, I took their savings and insurance and set up an account for you, through the years it has grown as you have. My darling Rachel, Ethan has the files in his office for you, I asked him to call you after you read this and disclose to you the amount that has been incurred over the years. I wish you the greatest happiness ever My Darling, know that my love will always live on through you. Love, Auntie May
Rachel’s eyes were burning from the tears that flowed so freely now, she knew Auntie May was there beside her and would always be, just then the phone rang as she leaned over to answer it. “Hello” she said and Ethan answered back, “I take it that you have read your aunts letter by now.” “I have sent a courier over to you with the files for your approval, just sign and send them back soon as possible dear.” The phone clicked and the doorbell rang, running she went down the spiraling stairs to the door.
The man standing there asked her to sign and left, leaving her standing, trembling as she shut the door. Sliding down to the floor, she slid her finger down the seal to open it, “wait, wait, oh my, is this really true?” She peeled the fold back and pulled the papers out, then reading them her heart pounding as she saw the amount of five million dollars, if she wanted to check the files for accuracy or send them to an auditor of her choosing, but that she needed to get this done in a speedy time frame.
Nothing could have ever prepared her for this day, She knew Auntie May was smiling crazy right about now, she went into the kitchen pouring a drink, picking the phone up, she dialed the number, the ringing seem to take forever, suddenly a voice answered “Hello” the sound of his voice thrilled her as she said “Oh thank God Alexander, you’re home can you please come over?” “Of Course I can be right there,” he said and hung up. Rachel was waiting in the drive as his car pulled up, jumping into his arms she told him she loved him and yes she would marry him if he still wanted her. He held her back and looked into her blue eyes “are you sure my love?” “Yes Oh yes, I’m sure, Auntie May has blessed us this day my love.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Suddenly, Suddenly Is Here
I think that somewhere deep within the recesses of my mind, I have gone stark raving mad. Events and time taking charge, leaving me out of control with my deepest emotions. Fear riding high on my shoulders as days end one upon another. Not knowing why my feelings have grown so deep and relentless. They seem to over power the logical sense I thought I possessed. Always one of emotion and always letting that part of me have control over my head has just been a natural part of me Yet now I sense another power hiding deep within as I wander through searching to understand what has happened to me
Much is different about me now. I find things that once would hold my interest are disappearing and new things taking up the old occupied space. This scares me to some degree and I am reminded of something once said to me so very long ago by my dear friend Rosie, when she came to visit one day she asked where had the real Tobie gone. Now that was scary then and now more importantly to me is where is this Tobie going, am I going back to the roots of my soul and the foundation of which my life was built as a child and youngster? Do I now turn in search of the real me?
It seems that when I turned into a young woman, the world was at my feet. Letting me choose which direction I wanted to go. Quitting school and trying many different things, I found myself in a world of riches and many different people influencing my life Fine things were wonderful as I chose my path, feeling back then the world was my oyster. Fame, importance came to me as people lined to feel my life as a Hairdresser; I knew I was good, but yet I was terrified of this adventure. The quiet girl, with her country roots slowly slid away into this girl of the town and fancy dresses and parties. Wanting to travel on to Europe and then messing that dream up by falling in love. Never did I realize that would be my biggest down fall.
A few years later, home and a baby changed me forever. Now I was stuck in a place I swore never to be, but yet a part of me was thrilled with the wonderful birth of my son and then another, with a divorce now on my plate, life did not look the same. Loneliness took over for a brief spell and work and the boys filled my needs, but yet a nagging was inside of me and searching for what I didn't know then would be another down fall of me.
Marriage and two more children would follow in due course, but for me, I was lost somewhere in the confusion of life. Happiness came for a brief spell once again and then years turned one into another, leaving a big part of me lost forever.
My interest flew from one thing to another as time swooped in and I made myself content with whatever came my way, I had been blessed with children I adored and the best friends one could ask for, yet my heart yearned for something more. I found work in several different areas, never reentering the world of riches, where my dreams could have come true. That to me was lost forever; I had had my chance and blew it big time.
Children now leaving their nest each moving on to find their dreams, scared me and I always feared for them as parents do, yet I let them choose and find their way. Each one knew in their hearts I wanted them to walk with God on their side and to think before choosing a path that could not be right. The children have given more to me than I could ever say and the grand babies have been a huge part of my life, yet I long for more still, not content anymore with the way life is. Yet circumstance has made me make choices, I wished I could change now. Again that is life so I accept it and am grateful that I have more than a lot of others, the nagging desire in me is slowly driving me crazy, as I know dreams like mine are for the very young. Maybe in another life I will find my dreams to come true, but heck I still wouldn't be Tobie than either. Recently my television watching has become different, finding more historical things to watch, I came upon a series on the History channel. They all dealt with the beginning of the world and how God has shown his wrath and destruction and the interpretation of Armageddon. It was very powerful and made me think of all that life has been and will be. Maybe that is what has put me on this course I want to travel now, whether it is right or wrong I feel pulled and sucked into it, wanting to find comfort and understanding.
As New Years Eve rolled on and realizing that America's teenager was lying in a hospital bed recovering from his stroke, not there to once again drop the ball for me, I realized more than ever that life does have its limits, we all come to a road, maybe not of our choosing but never the less a road where things change and people do come and go as fields of harvest are reaped each day. Then this huge Tsunami hit, having many of the earmarks of my previous television watching, death, and destruction where ever the eye could see. Sadness so overwhelming, despair on faces of a people helpless and lost. War ravaging many while evil seem to be let loosed.
Time once again will play a part in restoring that, which has been lost; souls will be forever remembered, children always seeking to undo the horror of their dreams
Suddenly, suddenly is here and I must deal with it, to find that place that is pulling me, that yearning that longing, that part of me that is lost.
©Tobie Haga Roy
Much is different about me now. I find things that once would hold my interest are disappearing and new things taking up the old occupied space. This scares me to some degree and I am reminded of something once said to me so very long ago by my dear friend Rosie, when she came to visit one day she asked where had the real Tobie gone. Now that was scary then and now more importantly to me is where is this Tobie going, am I going back to the roots of my soul and the foundation of which my life was built as a child and youngster? Do I now turn in search of the real me?
It seems that when I turned into a young woman, the world was at my feet. Letting me choose which direction I wanted to go. Quitting school and trying many different things, I found myself in a world of riches and many different people influencing my life Fine things were wonderful as I chose my path, feeling back then the world was my oyster. Fame, importance came to me as people lined to feel my life as a Hairdresser; I knew I was good, but yet I was terrified of this adventure. The quiet girl, with her country roots slowly slid away into this girl of the town and fancy dresses and parties. Wanting to travel on to Europe and then messing that dream up by falling in love. Never did I realize that would be my biggest down fall.
A few years later, home and a baby changed me forever. Now I was stuck in a place I swore never to be, but yet a part of me was thrilled with the wonderful birth of my son and then another, with a divorce now on my plate, life did not look the same. Loneliness took over for a brief spell and work and the boys filled my needs, but yet a nagging was inside of me and searching for what I didn't know then would be another down fall of me.
Marriage and two more children would follow in due course, but for me, I was lost somewhere in the confusion of life. Happiness came for a brief spell once again and then years turned one into another, leaving a big part of me lost forever.
My interest flew from one thing to another as time swooped in and I made myself content with whatever came my way, I had been blessed with children I adored and the best friends one could ask for, yet my heart yearned for something more. I found work in several different areas, never reentering the world of riches, where my dreams could have come true. That to me was lost forever; I had had my chance and blew it big time.
Children now leaving their nest each moving on to find their dreams, scared me and I always feared for them as parents do, yet I let them choose and find their way. Each one knew in their hearts I wanted them to walk with God on their side and to think before choosing a path that could not be right. The children have given more to me than I could ever say and the grand babies have been a huge part of my life, yet I long for more still, not content anymore with the way life is. Yet circumstance has made me make choices, I wished I could change now. Again that is life so I accept it and am grateful that I have more than a lot of others, the nagging desire in me is slowly driving me crazy, as I know dreams like mine are for the very young. Maybe in another life I will find my dreams to come true, but heck I still wouldn't be Tobie than either. Recently my television watching has become different, finding more historical things to watch, I came upon a series on the History channel. They all dealt with the beginning of the world and how God has shown his wrath and destruction and the interpretation of Armageddon. It was very powerful and made me think of all that life has been and will be. Maybe that is what has put me on this course I want to travel now, whether it is right or wrong I feel pulled and sucked into it, wanting to find comfort and understanding.
As New Years Eve rolled on and realizing that America's teenager was lying in a hospital bed recovering from his stroke, not there to once again drop the ball for me, I realized more than ever that life does have its limits, we all come to a road, maybe not of our choosing but never the less a road where things change and people do come and go as fields of harvest are reaped each day. Then this huge Tsunami hit, having many of the earmarks of my previous television watching, death, and destruction where ever the eye could see. Sadness so overwhelming, despair on faces of a people helpless and lost. War ravaging many while evil seem to be let loosed.
Time once again will play a part in restoring that, which has been lost; souls will be forever remembered, children always seeking to undo the horror of their dreams
Suddenly, suddenly is here and I must deal with it, to find that place that is pulling me, that yearning that longing, that part of me that is lost.
©Tobie Haga Roy
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