Pages Of My Life

Pages turning ever so slowly bring forth the passages of each day. Giggling fills the air and as pages turn tears fall softly to the ending of a time for me. Gathered now in the dusk of time, lie memories too numerous to fill a page.



Wonderful beginnings of life and a Family love, move to another time of Husbands and Children filling my life’s bowl with wonderful drinks of life and sorrow each being important to grow into this now very mature body of an Elderly Woman.



Sitting here alone this day, I wonder how each page of life has now turned into a book. The spice of life with bits of zest runs rampant through each chapter as I look back. Wondering what should be told aloud and what should stay silent and in my heart, leave sadness in me. As I question myself for reason to remain silent on many areas of my life, somewhere deep inside I hear the words, (that goes in the DON’T NEED TO KNOW box).



It seems now as I have matured, many things of what seemed valuable, lie now in rubble. It’s strange how time can read just those little things that I carelessly left lying by the side of my life’s road, now once more I pick each remnant up and hold it more tenderly than ever, realizing I was not too late in my gathering.



I leave a few bits and pieces of me scattered about for those who want a peek into my world, as I write words of wisdom and love through each page of my writing, but yet never sharing my most treasured thoughts on pen and paper. I must remain true to myself of the pledge made long ago to a higher power, My Lord, My God and My Salvation there holds the key to the inner me, one who has unlocked many places within my soul. One that has granted me many joys and an inner peace as my twilight years come more into focus now.



It is the Wisdom that time brings forth and the true joy of knowing My Lord, that I live now and accept the changes of my life for good or bad. To have given the world the very best of me through my Children, satisfy that undone feeling in me, knowing they are the Roots that will fill new pages and write the passage of time as it comes to each of them.

Oh Lord, my Savior of my soul
Thou has lead me through valleys
Mountains steeped with glory
Trenches filled with pain

Thou hast let me fall when needed
Thou hast picked me up and filled me with hope
Thou hast let me face adversity
Thou hast given me great joy

While my valleys and mountains
Have seemed insurmountable
Time has been measured carefully
Thou hast lead me safely

Now I walk the open fields
Filled with renewed spirit and hope
I have given you my soul
You My Lord, have granted me entrance to Eternity

A Cold December Night

I wrote this several years ago, the first chapter is the orginal story and tonight and today I finally gave it an ending. I hope that you will enjoy it.

Chapter 1


It was on a cold December night, snow was still falling as he looked for a place to rest his tired and worn old body. Warmth was a luxury he did not have this night, a place out of the snow and wind would be nice. People were still hustling about and soon the street would be empty and he would finally be all-alone. He was not looking forward to the long cold night with streets dead not even the cats would be searching the trash bins on a night like this.

As he kept walking he remembered a place down off the main street and hoped there he would be safe and warm. His old coat worn thin from time did little to keep him warm. His shoes worn to paper thin on the soles no longer kept his feet dry or warm, the wet from the snow made walking quite uncomfortable. He thought as he walked how life had become this way and why did he ever let things go so wrong. He had always worked hard and took the best care of his family and now with them all gone, he had lost his way and ended up here somehow with his home, his family gone.

Why did his wife die? He asked himself over and over and knowing now he would never overcome the guilt he felt He kept thinking these thoughts and wondering why the children had left him. He had loved them so much and they knew they were the shinning stars of his life, how could they blame him for their Mothers death. The fire had spread so quickly, rushing he had woke everyone up. Laura wanted pictures as she ran back, he had ran after her grabbing her and pulling her to safety he thought, the smoke had over taken her and she didn’t make it as he carried her out of the house. He had loved Laura more than life. He pushed these thoughts from his mind as he walked slowly looking for the place he had seen earlier.
There it is he said to himself, scouting about to see if anyone else were there. Good he thought, as he moved some boxes and found a piece of board to stand up against the boxes that would help keep the wind out. Struggling to lay down and find a comfortable position, saying a quick prayer for warmth and safety, he was off to sleep, as he had walked the streets a lot today looking for any kind of work and food. He was not a man to ask for charity and believed that the struggle was for punishment for letting Laura die.
As he slept dreams started to come and he could see Laura in a heavenly light, she was there waving to him, calling softly and telling him she was waiting for him, that it was a wonderful place to be and she missed him so very much. He came slightly awake and his hand reaching for her fell back down to sleep.
Morning light was dawning and a few people were moving about, as people were getting ready for their busy days, Christmas was but a few days away. The sun now breaking through the overcast skies; the streets were now crowed, as a man walking by saw him lying there and looked down on him, strange the man thought to himself as he saw the smile on his face and his hand extended. Something made this man take a closer look and he said to himself, well this is one more the city will not have to support as he searched the body looking for a name another John Doe, well who would care anyway he said to himself and went looking for a phone. The old man looking for warmth and longing for Laura had found warmth in the night as the light extended from heaven to him.


Chapter 2

George Brown was a young man still, closing in on his early forties. His wife Mary and he had two children, a daughter and son both had married and lived in other states now. His sister, Margo still lived near him and her children grown and living far away, kept a close watch on him. Sometimes it seemed too irate him and then he would smile and know she just wanted to take care of him like always. Mary had been his love since high school and when they had married she took the best care of him and that had made Margo very happy.

George was deep in though when he heard the doorbell ring, getting up he moved to the door and looked out to see who might be there. Alarmed he quickly opened the door to see a Policeman there. “Yes” he said. The Officer asked if a George Brown lived there and he said yes, clasping his hands and bracing for what he didn’t know as the Officer said to him “are you the family of a George Brown Sr.?” He stood quiet now and wondered why he asked that after all these years and suddenly said “yes, why do you ask?”

“I regret to inform you sir that we found Mr. Brown dead this morning and we need for you to come down and identify him today.” George just stood there and with his voice trembling, he answered the Officer and got directions and walking back into the room sat down, his head seemed to spin and his hands now trembled as Mary walked into the room asking him who had been at the door. He asked her to sit down and as she reached for his trembling hand, he quietly told her what the Officer had said. “ I’ve got to call Margo” he said and reached for the phone and dialed her number and then speaking softly he asked if she could come over, “yes” she had said as he hung the phone back up and waited for her to come.

Margo arrived soon after the call from George, wondering what was wrong with him. As she sat down he took her hand and picked a picture up from the table, handing it to her he said nothing for a moment as her eyes captured the image before her. “George why are you showing me this?” Then he told her of the Officer coming and what he had wanted. Stunned Margo sat there and said to him George, how will we know it is him, we haven’t seen him since we were very young, I never thought of this day Georgie.

A few hours later, Mary drove them to the Morgue. “I’ll be right here George” as she sat down to wait on them. Holding Margo’s hand tightly, they entered the room, where an attendant was waiting on them by a table. Slowly he pulled the sheet back and they both gasped as they saw their father laying there, the smile still frozen on his face. Neither could say a word, as they realized the enormity of this moment.

As they both looked down on this man, they saw scars over part of his face and neck; some were peeking out from the white sheet that covered him and George pulling it
slowly down, realized how the many scars from the night of the fire, marked him deeply, time had not taken away the horror of that night. George felt a cold chill as the image came back to him from so very long ago.

George, still shaken asked what should they do now and the attendant told them, that they could claim the body and make arrangements for his burial... At the front desk he signed some papers and the attendant handed him a plastic bag,” here are Mr. Brown’s things Sir, I’m sorry for your loss.”





Chapter 3


Returning home, Mary told them to sit while she fixed Tea and a Sandwich for them, knowing that they needed some time, she left the room.
George placed the plastic bag on the table, then began to open it and pulled some papers out. Reading it he gave instructions to them. He had left a safety deposit box for them and showing this letter at the bank, they would be given a key to unlock it. Wondering what this all meant they just sat in silence, each reliving a part of that horrible night and their refusal to see their Father again.

George and Margo arrived at the bank early; holdings hands they asked where they went for the Safety Deposit Box, the lady lead them to a room, where they found the box. Both of them still stunned from the previous days event. George took the box and slowly opened it, finding a letter addressed to him and Margo he broke the seal and opened it. He began to read the words and tears filled his eyes as he looked at Margo, he began again out loud now.

George and Margo,

If you are reading this, I must have gone on to be with your Mother and now I must say goodbye to both of you, first let me say that I am grateful to your Aunt Sharon for raising you and giving you the love and affection I so longed to do. I have watched both of you grow each year and regardless of how you felt back then, I have never left you. I have sent you many gifts on your birthdays and holidays, too many to now name. I want both of you to know that I loved your Mother more than life and both of you also.

The night of the fire was a horrible night and I struggled to get all of you to safety, but your Mother broke free and ran back into the house, she wanted the pictures of our lifetime saved, the fire was so intense and I went back for her and fought to get her back from the fire. The smoke overcame her and cost her life, which you each have blamed me for. If only I could have traded places with her, but now I am at last with her so please if you can find forgiveness for me, I pray that you will accept my sincere plea and lay to rest the grief you have felt along with the anger.

Know that you have been loved and cared for and I am at peace with the world. I have left you my life’s savings, that I have stored each day since that night and I want both of you to enjoy my gift to each of you. Love endures through the test of time my children.

Your Father, George Brown Sr.


Chapter 4

Laying the letter down, George picked a paper up; it read Mort’s Funeral Home. Opening it he saw that his Father had made all the arrangements for his burial, next to their Mother, a simple service was all he requested, with the presence of his children. George handed the papers to Margo. Picking up another set from the box, a note was attached from his Father. It said that he had taken all the insurance money and invested it and as it grew he had bought bonds for each grandchild and the rest of it was for him and Margo to be evenly divided between them.


Opening them with shaking hands, George let out a gasp, as he saw the staggering amount of Five Hundred Thousand Dollars, giving the paper to Margo he just sat there with his head resting in his hands and tears pouring as Margo clung to him now crying for the Father they never knew. Margo gasping for breath asked aloud how all this could be. How of the dark of night such news would prove the love they so had doubted, he had loved them more than himself and had proved it to the very end.

There lying in the bottom of the box was a small picture, picking it up, George and Margo gazed upon the face of their Mother and Father, with both of them sitting on their laps. It was the only connection to their past that they had tried to forget as the years had passed.

Several days later they stood before his Casket and asked for his forgiveness and prayed for his soul to be at rest with their Mother now. Following the Hearse to the cemetery, they stood watching as he was laid to his final rest and prayed that one day they would see him once more to tell him of how wrong they were.

Later that night as George sat with Mary; he asked her why had his Father had lived the life of a Pauper and died so alone on the streets in a Card Board Box, she looked at him and said quietly, “because he sacrificed all that he had for the love of you and Margo, George. It was the only way he could let you know of his love and hoped that someway, someday you would find forgiveness for him.”

While time has allowed my journey here on Earth, Lord
I have walked the great Mountains and Valley’s low
I have walked the Shore of Your great Ocean

I have stood below looking at your wondrous Universe
Always in awe of the great expanse of your Creation
Never doubting the power of your Being

The Beauty that mine Eyes have seen
The Power I have felt, as I watched from afar
The Comfort that my Soul has found when I called Your Name

I have but one great journey left My Lord
As days pass and I reach The Completion of my time on Earth
I pray that I am worthy Lord to Cross the Great Divide into Your Paradise

Oh if it were not for Yesterday and Yesteryear
What dreams are left for me to unveil?
Mystery of living, long lost its luster

It is another time that draws me nigh
To remember happiness and love
To dare to capture once more

The thrills and hardships of life
That made me unto this day
A sadness of loss, an unwillingness to live

Where is the path of Yesterday?
That will lead me into Tomorrow
Where Loneliness will be no more

copyrighted byTobie Haga Roy

I’ll remember you at the end of winter’s day
While the Earth thaws her crust to warmer days
When your Lilies show off their first bud
Bringing warm memories of you

I’ll remember you in the time of spring
When the Earth has been turned and seeded once more
Filled with the knowledge, carefully left in my care
Bringing warm memories of you

I’ll remember you on the hot summer days
As fishing lines are caste, being reeled in to an empty hook
While lawns are mowed and weeds pulled, flowers plucked
Bringing warm memories of you

I’ll remember you when leaves fall in the autumn chill
While picking the bounty from the plowed field
I’ll share the gift of your knowledge, as my table is filled
Bringing warm memories of you

I’ll remember you when the winter’s cold will chill my bones
I’ll pull your old flannel shirt from long ago
Wrapping my arms to stay the chill
Bringing warm memories of you, once more

©Tobie Haga Roy

I wrote this in memory of my Dad, he was diagnosed with Cancer on Thanksgiving day in 1985 and later died on Ground Hog day in 1986, his Easter Lilies had come to full bloom that year in late January
Tags: tobie's poetry

While youth has come and gone
Bridges have been built for another world
One of excitement and promise to come

While adult life has now turned into years
Of wife and mother and now grandmother
Bridges have been built for another world

While Elvis sings softly of times long ago
I’ll Remember You, tenderly, with a passion
Building my bridge to grow old in another world

While yet another Elvis song is filled with Memories
I still long for those times of youth
And wish that I had never burnt my bridge to you

© Tobie Haga Roy

Sadie

The little Cabin came slowly into view, as a worn path lead you into a world where Sadie had been born and raised her whole life. Her Grandfather and Father had built this Cabin when they first came to the Mountain. It had just two rooms for all of them to live in. the roof had been made with logs also and filled with mud and straw to keep the rain and cold out. There was a window in the room where her Grandfather and Grandmother slept and two windows in the other room where her Father had slept as a child and now that was where she slept still. The sunlight would shine through in the mornings filling the room with a bright light as her Mother had cooked from the big fireplace with its stone frame and hearth. At night her Mother would read from the Bible and her Father would tell her stories from his earlier life in Sweden and the crossing to come here to this Mountain that was all she knew and could remember of the stories he had told back then.

When her Grandparents had passed her Father taught her how to hunt with the bow and skin and put up the meat and then clean the hides, it became a way of life for her early on as her both of her Parents passed suddenly one winter and she had now been on her own for many years. Her years crept slowly at first and she roamed the mountain looking for food and anything that she could harvest and put up for the coming winters. Her Father had built a Smokehouse so he could cure the meats and she had helped as they made a root cellar to store the root crops in. The winters on the Mountain were long and hard, Snow piled well above her small frame, but she always knew spring would come and bring her wildflowers and lots of warmth, Sadie couldn’t remember ever being lonely as she had taken to this solitary life and enjoyed her days as they passed year into year.

A small woodshed was off to the right and a work shed that held her simple made tools lay strewn about; Sadie knew where each lay and had crafted them from her own hands. She had made a simple plow to plow her rows of vegetables and such. A hammer made of rock and stone, being worn from hours of use. A harness made of wild grapevines hung on a wall and when needed she would wrap them around her small frame and pull the plow to make her rows. Her body had become stooped from the hard labor and long hours of dusk till dawn, each day bringing her many chores to do. She had learned so very much in her time here in the Mountains, living from the land was a good life she believed and nourished it as a Mother would nourish a child.

Back to the left of the small cabin was a creek, the current was always strong and swift, it curved back into a small bank and there she would bathe and swim when the weather would allow her to enjoy it. When she was younger she would stare into the clear stream and see her long Dark Blonde hair with lighter streaks from the suns warm rays, her curls would get tighter as the water ran through it, often she could see the color of her Brown eyes and they would stare back at her. As a child she would play this way when her chores had been done. It was now harder to see those eyes and color of her hair, she noticed her face felt rough and lined, looking at her hands all gnarled and worn from too much hard work, she made short her bathe and staring into the water now she would gather her long curls and pin them on top of her head with a bone she had finished to a smooth surface and then be on her way back to more work. It seemed it was never done and there was little time for anything else.

Off to the back of the small Cabin, about a few hundred yards, surround by stones gathered from nearby was a small Burial Ground. There lay her Father and Mother and her Grandparents, with a Sister and baby Brother, whom had never seen the light of day. Sadie would visit here from time to time keeping weeds away and making sure no critters were digging about. Always she would stand in silence and offer a small prayer and then slowly leave returning back to the Cabin to do more chores. She wasn’t sure of how long her years were, as she had never learned to read or write and her Mother had the Family Bible that lay on a small table beside her straight back caned chair. Sadie would sometime sit and pass through the pages and stare at her Mother’s writing, never knowing of what it might say she imagined her own words and stories to go with what she knew of her life here in the Mountains.

Sometimes Sadie would gather things she had made and pack her Cart full to travel a hundred miles or so as the crow flies to try and sell or barter her goods away for flour and sugar and a few seed for the coming year and settle in before winter arrived. Her trip would take her a few weeks, going down the Mountain and then trudging back up was beginning to take it toll on her small frame, it seemed she was needing to stop and rest more often these days, so she just took her time as no one was there waiting on her to return.

Sadie was shy about going into the small town that lay below her Mountain, but the man in the small store always seemed to welcome her with a nice smile and offer to shake her hand, but she would pull it away and in her few words tell him of her goods and let him know of what she wanted to trade for. Sadie had made baskets from vines, and had some furs from critters she had made into small blankets. She never wanted much and was eager to be done with this and be on her way to where she felt safe, people seemed to make her afraid and she wanted little to do with them. Closing the stores doors, she went to her Cart and loaded her goods and began the long trek back to her Mountain.

Sadie saw her little cabin gleaming in the early twilight and made her way into it, the Cart was secure so she would unload it tomorrow and taking a biscuit out of a piece of cloth she ate it and drank some water, the laying down on her small pad she fell fast asleep. Her dreams at first came flying through as her young life played out she saw her Mother and Father tending to chores and such, then they seem to just leave her and she fell into a deeper sleep.

It had been long over six months since the man at the store had seen Sadie and telling his wife he wanted to go up and check on her and make sure she was in good health, he left the following day and as he trekked the long way up the Mountain he wondered how she had done this for so many years, he had been gone for two weeks now as he spied the Little Cabin through the overgrown bush and trees. Everything was grown high and the weeds had taken over all of Sadie’s hard work. He walked up to the Cabin door and gently knocked; with no answer he pushed the door open. Looking for a lamp to light he found one and lit the worn wick, their lying on her pallet was Sadie, her body had begun decaying long ago and the stench from her small frame made him cover his nose and mouth.

He went back outside and stood there shaken, he had never expected to find her passed away, shaking his head he sat down to think and decide what to do next. Getting up he walked around came upon the small grave yard, there he looked about and going back to Sadie’s tool shed finding a make shift shovel, he went back to dig her small grave. After digging he went back in and gently wrapped her remains in her pad made from Furs he placed her into the deep hole and filled it and placed stones on top of it to keep any critters from digging, saying a prayer he turned and went back into the Cabin, seeing the Family Bible he picked it up and with a pencil he pulled from his coat wrote these simple words. Sadie’s name had been entered here when she was born in year of our Lord 1827 May 20th, “Sadie died sometime ago” he said “I just buried her this day of the 27th, in the month of April, in the year of our Lord 1887.” Laying the Bible back where he found it he left the cabin and went back down the mountain, he would miss her he thought as he marveled at how she had survived all these years on this Mountain so very much alone. He would always call this Sadie’s Mountain, when he got back to town he would see about having it named in her memory. Smiling he knew Sadie was at peace now as back when she still lived.
©Tobie Haga Roy

MY Garden

You have given me a glorious Garden to tend
You have breathed the essence of life into my fields
Given knowledge where ignorance once was
As you have shown me how to plow my fields


As I have tried to plow each row straight
Some have been with a twist here and there
Tending to weeds and much loved seedlings
Giving life nutrients to each delicate plant


Some of my weeds have grown thorns, causing me great pain
Filling me with doubt, as I grasp to pull them from my garden
Lesson’s taught each day
Fighting to keep my garden free so as not to be barren


I can’t help but wonder, as I look to the Heavens
Watching for storm clouds, my first sprinkle of rain
The sprout of my first seedling
When will I see the fruit of my labor?


As my growing season comes to an end
And my garden has given up her bounty
And as I draw nearer to your shore
It is You, My Lord, I say thank you too

©Tobie Haga Roy

An Occupation of a Single Mind

It's a journey begun before my time, started Centuries before man and earth. One that has been followed and embraced by many like me. One try’s to fit a puzzle into perfect pieces and yet they come close but never fit like before the big Boom.

Some have wondered where God fits in this great expanse of space and yet I find it so easily answered, by putting Science and Faith together, like a pair of gloves they fit...

I am just a simple spot or blimp on a plan, formed in perfect union by God, when he so created this vast wonderful Universe. I have many questions and must say many have no answers yet, but yet I feel comfort in my mind that creation was done by God and only He.

I only wish I could recall more instantly things that made me come to believe this way, but my mind seems to fail me, more than I care to reveal now. I just simply believe that God, Man and Science can all fit and be explained, by starting with the journey of 13 Billion years ago and watch from there the great formation of stars, Constellations and Planets, Moons and Our great Earth, forming her mountains rivers and hills, nestled with valleys and plateaus. This place we call home, now being threatened by Global Warming.

Well I don't believe in Global Warming, ( as in man made ) I think it is a function of our Planets ever emerging change of tides, winds and formations. A recycle of many things that have happened hundreds of years before and now a pattern similar happening once more.

I know these sounds of a rant from an old crazy woman, but I don't ask that you agree or disagree with me, just simply look for facts, not someone wanting to make a buck on a popular subject. After all in time it really won't matter, will it?

Deliverance

There was a time in History
That God sent to you and me
A man born for this day

While His life was spent
Teaching His Father’s message
Of Eternal life and Redemption

With a plan laid out long before you and I
His judgement sat before a lesser earthly man
Judged guilty by fear of His Might

His path took Him to a Hill that day
Burden with the weight of a Cross
While a Crown of Thorns adorned His head

While His Mother watched each nail
Put through His Hands and Feet
With his Sides pierced and Vinegar to moist His thirst

By His sides hung two thieves
And with his Grace granted them eternal life
While the agony plagued His Earthly Life

The Earth shook and turned to Darkness
Many knew a wrong had been done
As he gave up his Ghost

Asking His Father to forgive those
Who had chosen to take His life
His blood shed that day for you and I

As they cleansed His Body
Wrapping it in a white Shroud
They put the Stone in place and cried

Returning they found the Stone rolled away
With Transfiguration complete
He left us His Comfort
Salvation, His greatest gift

© Tobie Haga Roy

Now you know, you got the BEST watching over you

Meet the new Drill Instructor

For Carolyn

UPDATE ON TROY

They will be moving to South Carolina in December. Troy has brought Sarah and kids home to Georgia till he can be with them in Dec..

He will be going to Fort Lenoardwood in about a week or so for Training to become a Drill Instructor, boy am I happy about that.

It's good to know Iraq is out of the picture for awhile for him.

The Marlboro Man

Well It's Time To Leave For Awhile

Charlie<> Jack, Mike (Dad), Renee (Mom), Lorilei, Jael, Carli

Keep prayers going for all please

Saying Goodbye For Awhile

Jack leaving for Iraq

This is my Son-in-law Jack, he leaves on June 7th for Iraq. I ask if you pass through these pages you will send prayers up for him and all the others there doing their duty for us. God Bless and keep him while his journey takes him away from home. Here is his Bird, along with his Dad and I might add his Dad is one proud man. Jack with his Mom (you know she's proud ) and then Jack, Charlie and the girls (and anyone knowing Charlie and the girls will know pride shines on their faces ). I really don't know how I came to love him so much, but my heart found room for another son and yes oh yes I am very proud of him.