Demon In The Night

Reaching for the coverlet my hand found an empty space as I searched for it. Sleepy eyes narrowly opening as I tried to look about. Hands searching for what I thought as my heart seemed to skip a beat as my mind rambled back to my dream. Slowly I slid off the bed, covers tripping my feet as I stumbled over my pillow and grabbed the doorway to keep from falling. Rubbing my eyes and turning the water faucet on, feeling the cool water made my senses come awake and alert. What the hell was that I thought, I turned and looked at my bed, it looked like a tornado had passed through and claimed it. Back in the room I leaned to pick the coverlet up and felt my life had somehow changed.
Sitting down on the freshly made bed, I tried to remember my dream, bits and pieces flashed before me, making me frightened and somehow annoying me that the dream seemed to have vanished but yet I felt different. Going to the kitchen and putting the coffee on, reaching for my cigarettes I lit one and leaned my head into my hands trying to focus back to last night. I had seen violence and anger and fear seemed to dominate my thoughts now. Somehow I knew that deep down something had been released and I must hope to try and find it. Pouring my coffee now, I felt uneasiness and like a child now I wanted to scream and run and hide, what had been there for me to see and would I ever let it come to surface.
As the day wore on images of my past came before me, leaving a nagging in me to end this nightmare. I used all the usual things to put the dream in perspective, things that had happened during the day, words that had been spoken and feelings I had shared with a friend, none seemed to relate to the dream as I put my mind now on dinner. Cooking always made me happy and while I readied the meal, I felt a strong pull deep within me as a tragic time reentered my mind, almost stumbling I sat down, tears now filling my eyes as this vision came back frightening me once more as though it had just happened, oh god please what are you trying to show me I asked. Make this go way as I didn’t want to go here again while a flash of violence crept slowly in. The drunkenness and violence were real once more, as I saw him hit her landing her on the floor and turning with a gun in his hand he looked at me telling me to sit and listen. Trying to hide my face with my hands covering my eyes, tears rolled down, I refused to look and go back. I got up to finish my cooking.
While darkness came to claim its right, my mind feared the darkness now; this would be a sleepless night I thought. Turning the television on I looked for a home show, something light and easy so my mind might relax a bit and loose this terrible feeling. I wanted to keep things at a comfort level as I said goodnight to those in the house and turned my attention to the television. Grabbing a throw I slid down on the sofa and felt myself falling back into the torment of my dream. I froze as thoughts of horror and struggle came rushing in, I bolted up and thought what the hell happened that I couldn’t remember was it that bad to block my mind and gather this force upon me. Did I need to unlock a door of my past and see things my mind had blocked? I needed a coffee now and another cigarette, if there had been any wine I would have gone for that, I was frightened to look back now.
The violence had started back when I was a child, each time seeming to reach a new crescendo till fear was all there was. Never knowing why things had changed from a happy childhood with loving parents to this abuse and horror. Drinking seemed to be the starting point if my mind served me right now. After the drinking came the bickering, then the hitting, then the guns and knives. Oh god I can’t go through this again please help me not to look back I prayed. Somehow I was not to put this aside so quickly now, did I really need to see what changed my world and why? Mother seemed to have made a permanent blackout in her mind, never reliving it that I knew of, she had suffered so much and after years my father had become a good man once more, so why now did this come fleeting back into my dreams, was there more I needed to know. They were dead now and family had lost all connection, did that have a key? No one wanted to talk and my brothers had never known the horror I had lived through, what would be the point, my world consisted of good things and my children with their lives seeming to be good. Was this a warning that I needed to take serious, I had often had premonitions of bad happening and I was usually right, as was the day I went to Mother and told her bad things were coming and they would destroy our family, sitting down that day she told me of the same feelings. We both had been through so much together but we never had an inkling that our lives would forever change. After months of heartbreak and sorrow, along with anger and hate, our world would change. For me it would take me away leaving her alone and vulnerable, was this right I didn’t care I needed to go and I acted quickly with no thoughts of the future just change, yes I was running, running away from this life and never wanting to relive it again. Months had passed and once again we became friends, now going home, I moved her closer to me and with a new start we enjoyed our time together, never speaking of the horror we had lived through for so many years. It was over so we thought. This demon in me gathered hold once more, coming in swift and with anger, saying words of hurt, hurling accusations as if all were her fault, never taking a moment to realize I was wrong, I left and never returned to tell her I loved her and was sorry for my actions, she later died while I was far away as I had once more run again. What was inside me that made me this way, I looked and faced up to what I thought I needed to and moved on or did I? I know that whatever this demon is, it is real and present waiting to strike me, when I am asleep and vulnerable, turmoil wanting to set in as I once again want to run, but where and why, I can’t go now I have a deeper need to sit and wait, to see what has locked itself in my mind, barring me from it. Is it to horrible for me to face? I don’t know, but I will be here waiting and scared, but I will be here and that is what I need to face this demon of the night.