I Simply Just Miss Him

Story follows below

I wrote this in May right after his birthday and seeing how it's Father Day, I wanted to share him with you my closest Internet Family.

A few days ago would have been my Father’s 90th birthday. I often think of him and remember how he always taught me different things about living and learning in this huge world I live in. It’s really hard to believe as I sit here today thinking of him that it’s been twenty long years without him. I remember our last words as I sat and said goodbye to him and then left his room filled with a pain so unbearable I thought I would die. He was diagnosed with Small Cell Oats Cancer on Thanksgiving Day of 1985 and on Ground Hog Day of 1986 he died, not a lot of time was left for him or us to share and get things said that needed to be said, I cherish each of those moments now and remember many conversations we had with a smile in my heart and others bring the sadness of loss. Our family fell apart after that for a brief spell and I still have one brother who has not spoken to me in a few years. My Dad’s death was the end of a time and I see now the beginning of a new time.

I have spent so much time grieving that I had forgotten to stop and smell the roses of life as years have now turned in to many without him and his guidance and wisdom. He would be really angry with me for wasting so much time and sitting around crying, feeling sorry for myself. I know he would have told me to get up and do something good, take care of the kids, and don’t push this off on them. Teach them the good things of life and push them into learning something new everyday. Instead I sat making their lives miserable with my own grief that I couldn’t even let anyone speak his name without breaking down, so soon everyone avoided speaking of him and he became a burden to them, not the loving Grandfather they remembered. How could they understand my grief, I could not explain it to anyone. It was just a huge gapping hole stuck right in the middle of my heart; after all I was his baby girl, didn’t I have the right to go on this journey for as long as it took.

Today sitting outside, drinking my coffee and seeing a pair of Red Birds, I watched them as they fluttered by and kept coming back close to me. They had been doing this for over a week now. Then with a huge wave of clarity my eyes filled with a new kind of tear, softly they fell down my cheeks and I knew he was there in spirit, watching to see if I was paying attention and doing something good for the day. The Red Birds had been one of his bright spots and he always took the time to watch them. Mom had a beautiful Cardinal arrangement made for him at Christmas time with the beautiful bird holding on to the handle of it. After his death she never displayed it again, we all kept the things we loved about him to ourselves and we never shared our suffering and grief.

My tears had lessened over the last few years but still we hardly ever speak of him, it is almost like a curse for the kids, cause they know speaking of him would send me into a river of tears and whatever we were doing would be ruined for that day. I offer no apology to anyone for my time wasted in my long road of grief. It has been a process that maybe I needed, after all he had told me something good would come of his dying. Was it the fact that I would endeavor into this world of writing, loosening my heart and my soul to those who would one day read my words and feel my pain and feel the beauty I often kept closed within my soul?

I simply just miss him.


P.S. His passion in life was to build and boats were his favorite thing, something I loved to do with him. He built 4 boats altogether, a Shrimp boat-28 footer, small Sail boat 16 foot, and 2 others that were Sail boats, he had just completed his last one when he died and it was given to the Florida Sheriffs boy's Ranch, I know he would have approved of that. His other buildings are still standing all over Jacksonville and the Beaches area, he built the first two stages of the now Famous Saw Grass in Ponte Vedra, south Florida and Atlanta.

Time like a Sea runs endlessly it seems
Finding one day it comes to an ending
When it crashes suddenly upon ones heart


I wonder where you lost the feel of me
I wonder why your ears turned deaf
I wonder why your eyes no longer see
I wonder why your lips no longer speak


As I return to gaze upon the Sea
Across the mighty waters I see the horizon
Where time has lead me to mourn my loss
Where time will renew my strength


I will once again feel a touch
Ears will hear my words of love
Eyes will see the beauty in me
Lips will speak and kiss me tenderly once more


Time will become my friend again
While the Sea will still churn and renew
Life old and new, dreams and paradise
Just a wave away

It is with wistful thoughts
That I go into the abyss
A world created just for those in need

Where mountains abound with the highest
Snow peaks,
Linger below them lies glorious green valleys
Of life’s finest splendor

Where raging Sea’s bring thoughts to God
As flowing Rivers calms a spirit
Beaches filled with golden sands
Run like an hour glass of time

Where war has run its course
Man has made peace among the many foes
As each now walk in the Angel’s shadow
Covered and protected by Gods saving grace