Suddenly, Suddenly Is Here

I think that somewhere deep within the recesses of my mind, I have gone stark raving mad. Events and time taking charge, leaving me out of control with my deepest emotions. Fear riding high on my shoulders as days end one upon another. Not knowing why my feelings have grown so deep and relentless. They seem to over power the logical sense I thought I possessed. Always one of emotion and always letting that part of me have control over my head has just been a natural part of me Yet now I sense another power hiding deep within as I wander through searching to understand what has happened to me
Much is different about me now. I find things that once would hold my interest are disappearing and new things taking up the old occupied space. This scares me to some degree and I am reminded of something once said to me so very long ago by my dear friend Rosie, when she came to visit one day she asked where had the real Tobie gone. Now that was scary then and now more importantly to me is where is this Tobie going, am I going back to the roots of my soul and the foundation of which my life was built as a child and youngster? Do I now turn in search of the real me?
It seems that when I turned into a young woman, the world was at my feet. Letting me choose which direction I wanted to go. Quitting school and trying many different things, I found myself in a world of riches and many different people influencing my life Fine things were wonderful as I chose my path, feeling back then the world was my oyster. Fame, importance came to me as people lined to feel my life as a Hairdresser; I knew I was good, but yet I was terrified of this adventure. The quiet girl, with her country roots slowly slid away into this girl of the town and fancy dresses and parties. Wanting to travel on to Europe and then messing that dream up by falling in love. Never did I realize that would be my biggest down fall.
A few years later, home and a baby changed me forever. Now I was stuck in a place I swore never to be, but yet a part of me was thrilled with the wonderful birth of my son and then another, with a divorce now on my plate, life did not look the same. Loneliness took over for a brief spell and work and the boys filled my needs, but yet a nagging was inside of me and searching for what I didn't know then would be another down fall of me.
Marriage and two more children would follow in due course, but for me, I was lost somewhere in the confusion of life. Happiness came for a brief spell once again and then years turned one into another, leaving a big part of me lost forever.
My interest flew from one thing to another as time swooped in and I made myself content with whatever came my way, I had been blessed with children I adored and the best friends one could ask for, yet my heart yearned for something more. I found work in several different areas, never reentering the world of riches, where my dreams could have come true. That to me was lost forever; I had had my chance and blew it big time.
Children now leaving their nest each moving on to find their dreams, scared me and I always feared for them as parents do, yet I let them choose and find their way. Each one knew in their hearts I wanted them to walk with God on their side and to think before choosing a path that could not be right. The children have given more to me than I could ever say and the grand babies have been a huge part of my life, yet I long for more still, not content anymore with the way life is. Yet circumstance has made me make choices, I wished I could change now. Again that is life so I accept it and am grateful that I have more than a lot of others, the nagging desire in me is slowly driving me crazy, as I know dreams like mine are for the very young. Maybe in another life I will find my dreams to come true, but heck I still wouldn't be Tobie than either. Recently my television watching has become different, finding more historical things to watch, I came upon a series on the History channel. They all dealt with the beginning of the world and how God has shown his wrath and destruction and the interpretation of Armageddon. It was very powerful and made me think of all that life has been and will be. Maybe that is what has put me on this course I want to travel now, whether it is right or wrong I feel pulled and sucked into it, wanting to find comfort and understanding.
As New Years Eve rolled on and realizing that America's teenager was lying in a hospital bed recovering from his stroke, not there to once again drop the ball for me, I realized more than ever that life does have its limits, we all come to a road, maybe not of our choosing but never the less a road where things change and people do come and go as fields of harvest are reaped each day. Then this huge Tsunami hit, having many of the earmarks of my previous television watching, death, and destruction where ever the eye could see. Sadness so overwhelming, despair on faces of a people helpless and lost. War ravaging many while evil seem to be let loosed.
Time once again will play a part in restoring that, which has been lost; souls will be forever remembered, children always seeking to undo the horror of their dreams
Suddenly, suddenly is here and I must deal with it, to find that place that is pulling me, that yearning that longing, that part of me that is lost.
©Tobie Haga Roy