It was late into night; sleep seeming to escape my body. My mind wandering back where time had left faint remembrances of you. The gentle swish of the trees crept slowly pass me as I had walked to you so long ago. Fragrant flowers lined my pathway, as my heart jumped and pumped the delicious thoughts of you there waiting for me like always. I could almost smell the scent of your masculine frame as I came closer to you. Your dark hair with its curl gently spilling over the strong forehead drew me into your brown eyes making my knees weak with happiness, a thrill like none other I had ever felt. You were my first real love and I yours, we wasted no time in exploring the magic of youthful love and filled with desire we consumed ourselves till we were full.
Long walks hand in hand, making plans for a future together. Dreams seemed to be magic back then, as we talked of home children and growing old together as we sat on the back porch of your parent's home. It was yours now as they had left it to you, now with my mind twirling, I would made curtains to hang gracefully against the fresh painted walls of beautiful colors we would pick together. Soon I would become your wife. The old rockers your folks had sat in, needed a fresh coat of paint and would fit us just right. The world was made for us to feast our dreams and sow our seeds, as night slowly approached and the moon would slowly rise as we lay by the fireplace. The beautiful French doors made of glass and oak opened into the night air, with the gentle stir of air seeming to chill the room as we snuggled closer and with the warm glow of the fire we gave into the feelings we shared once more.
Winter months turning into spring as the earth seemed to come to life, plans were made of our big day, it would just be the two of us and maybe your brother if he could come, my family wouldn't accept you and I had moved on and accepted that. I had sat on the front porch of my parents home waiting for you to come and pick me up, three hours late I was getting worried, three days passed and I had remained there faithful to my heart and you, crying now I stood up. Cramped from sitting so long, my eyes swollen from tears, I walked into the house. My parents not saying a word pretended to watch the television as I closed the door to my room. Throwing myself upon my bed I cried till no more tears would flow. Sleep came and my parents let me sleep, calling my work and telling them I was sick and would be off for a couple of days. They knew I was broken down to my very core and knew rest would help my drained body recover.
Awakening it seemed from a very long sleep, I slowly remembered the last few days and tears this time would not come. Now I was angry confused and bitter, he had made a fool of me and now I would show him the pain he had caused me as I started for the shower. Feeling better and catching a bite to eat I went off to my work. My boss knew that I had wanted to marry and most of the others knew and I just let them think whatever they wanted but I told them it was over and wanted to move on with my life, while deep inside me the pain, heartbreak seemed to draw the life from me, how could love hurt so badly and lord would it ever go away, please I would pray send him back to me, it was the only cure I knew of then.
For six long years we had an off again on again affair, plans always seemed to be there, one day we would be together forever. Slowly the cocoon I was wrapped into seemed to find a light drawing me back into a world where real people lived and worked, I never looked back again as I left him and later found another love. He would always remain the one I would love most and I would find myself dreaming of those days, while tending to my own children, wishing they had been ours.
Feeling a faint breeze I knew he was still safe in my heart, reaching to touch the curl that fell across his brow, sleep finally came.
© Tobie Haga Roy
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Monday, May 23, 2005
Time In A Bottle
I wanted so much to Capture Time In A Bottle. To feel once again the magic shared between two souls. The growing and aching need in me seems unfinished. Can I return to the youth of my time and capture once again the wonderful excitement of being in love.
It seems so long ago when we first shared the passion and love of youth. Then our paths chose different courses. Losing you was a terrible time. Wandering from here to there, always searching for a love likes ours. Never to find the way again to feel loves sweet bloom. Dreams unfinished and lost to time seems a needless thing. For nothing is worse than to throw away the depth of passion once shared with you.
Now as I venture back to find you once more, you are gone. The place we shared our love, now has been passed on to other loves and happier faces. As I look for you, my heart breaks, why did I not capture you in my little bottle of time. Now as I wander through the valleys and hills, emptiness has finally settled and I have lost the greatest love.
Will you be there in eternity waiting for me, as I will wait for you to come and embrace me once more? To feel alive again with joy and laughter walking through our hills. Or is it the impossible dream of Capturing Time In A Bottle.
©Tobie Haga Roy
It seems so long ago when we first shared the passion and love of youth. Then our paths chose different courses. Losing you was a terrible time. Wandering from here to there, always searching for a love likes ours. Never to find the way again to feel loves sweet bloom. Dreams unfinished and lost to time seems a needless thing. For nothing is worse than to throw away the depth of passion once shared with you.
Now as I venture back to find you once more, you are gone. The place we shared our love, now has been passed on to other loves and happier faces. As I look for you, my heart breaks, why did I not capture you in my little bottle of time. Now as I wander through the valleys and hills, emptiness has finally settled and I have lost the greatest love.
Will you be there in eternity waiting for me, as I will wait for you to come and embrace me once more? To feel alive again with joy and laughter walking through our hills. Or is it the impossible dream of Capturing Time In A Bottle.
©Tobie Haga Roy
Thursday, May 19, 2005
The Next Generation
His hands wrinkled, twisted and calloused from time and hard work reached down to pull the soft blanket gently back. Smiling his eyes beaming with tears, he gently lifted the little bundle up. His heart stilled from joy and happiness. His feelings overpowering him as his eyes gazed upon this small child. He had only been blessed with a daughter, now she had blessed him with this small child the next generation, a boy named for him and after his own father. He could not explain the tears in his eyes as he rubbed his eyes, pride overwhelming him as he lay the little one back down.
He knew that he would not live to see him grown; time was against him on that. Now an increasing yearning came from within him as his mind raced to days ahead. He would make the most of them. He would make the necessary arrangements so that he would be able to have this land and farm. This was the place of his birth; the right of passage would go to him. His name would enable all that he would need if he would use it wisely, respecting the heritage that was his. Then another day and time would bring this time once again and it would come to him, another generation would be born.
The years continued on as the baby grew into a young boy, his Grandpa growing frailer. A knock that day on the door startled the woman as she answered it. Needing no words she knew her dad was gone. Shaking her head in a thank you she closed the door and called her son into the room, he knew something was wrong from the choked sound of her voice as she hugged him close. "Son Grandpa has gone on," as he wrapped his arms around her tears falling down his young cheeks for the man he loved so much.
The weather was cold and dreary, the ground frozen hard, as the snow kept falling, the men digging his grave never complained. The preacher arrived as the team pulled the old wagon with his wooden casket up the hill. The boy and his mother stood quietly as the preacher uttered words from the good book. Heads bowed the young man stood up, "don't worry Grandpa, I'll take care of the farm and mom, someday I'll have a son to honor you, goodbye Grandpa I'll miss you."
Years passing now the boy became a man, marrying and working the farm. His life full as his work filled most of his days and from time to time he would visit Grandpa, letting him know that things were good. As he worked the field he thought he heard a voice calling him as he ran toward the house. The door was open and his wife calling out to him, telling him it was time to get the doctor. Off he ran, wasting no time, he came with the doctor. He could hear the sounds as he paced the wooden floor, his heart racing with fear an excitement, hands wrenched in sweat as the doctor opened the door telling him to come in, that his son was here. Smiling, with tears in his eyes he looked at his wife, pride filling him as she placed the small bundle in his calloused hands. Taking the little one he held him close, smiling wiping away the tears he looked up above. "This one is for you Grandpa all will be well now, the next generation is here," as he laid the little bundle back into his wife's arms. Kissing her he went back to work, the farm needing tending, another generation was now waiting in the wings, he had to keep it going with no time to waste.
He knew that he would not live to see him grown; time was against him on that. Now an increasing yearning came from within him as his mind raced to days ahead. He would make the most of them. He would make the necessary arrangements so that he would be able to have this land and farm. This was the place of his birth; the right of passage would go to him. His name would enable all that he would need if he would use it wisely, respecting the heritage that was his. Then another day and time would bring this time once again and it would come to him, another generation would be born.
The years continued on as the baby grew into a young boy, his Grandpa growing frailer. A knock that day on the door startled the woman as she answered it. Needing no words she knew her dad was gone. Shaking her head in a thank you she closed the door and called her son into the room, he knew something was wrong from the choked sound of her voice as she hugged him close. "Son Grandpa has gone on," as he wrapped his arms around her tears falling down his young cheeks for the man he loved so much.
The weather was cold and dreary, the ground frozen hard, as the snow kept falling, the men digging his grave never complained. The preacher arrived as the team pulled the old wagon with his wooden casket up the hill. The boy and his mother stood quietly as the preacher uttered words from the good book. Heads bowed the young man stood up, "don't worry Grandpa, I'll take care of the farm and mom, someday I'll have a son to honor you, goodbye Grandpa I'll miss you."
Years passing now the boy became a man, marrying and working the farm. His life full as his work filled most of his days and from time to time he would visit Grandpa, letting him know that things were good. As he worked the field he thought he heard a voice calling him as he ran toward the house. The door was open and his wife calling out to him, telling him it was time to get the doctor. Off he ran, wasting no time, he came with the doctor. He could hear the sounds as he paced the wooden floor, his heart racing with fear an excitement, hands wrenched in sweat as the doctor opened the door telling him to come in, that his son was here. Smiling, with tears in his eyes he looked at his wife, pride filling him as she placed the small bundle in his calloused hands. Taking the little one he held him close, smiling wiping away the tears he looked up above. "This one is for you Grandpa all will be well now, the next generation is here," as he laid the little bundle back into his wife's arms. Kissing her he went back to work, the farm needing tending, another generation was now waiting in the wings, he had to keep it going with no time to waste.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
House On The Hill
I just needed to rest, as I lay down across my bed. “I will fix dinner after a short rest,” I thought. As I fell into a peaceful rest, I began to dream. Visions coming in fast as I started to yell “ hey just slow down a bit alright.” I could feel my tired body loosen as a gentler sleep now took over.
I was walking through my beloved mountains and hills, following a path I had often taken. Singing and humming I kept walking. The suns warmth settling over my tired body, smiling I kept onwards Suddenly I was coming to a path that I had never seen.” Where did this come from” I asked myself, puzzled with its sudden presence. The path was laid in a beautiful herringbone pattern of golden brick. Flowers popped out from either side of golden rods, blue bells, and lilacs. Fragrance filled the air, as I saw the huge cedars and oaks far into the distance. “ Oh goodness where am I “ as I said aloud knowing I was here alone. “ This is paradise, am I in heaven?”
Traveling father on the path, I saw a house off into the sunset. Hasting my steps I quickly closed the distance. As I approached this place I was breathless. Standing before me was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. Made of shimmering golden bricks, its windows all glass stained in beautiful colors of the rainbow. A huge double door stood in the mass entrance, made of the finest oak I had ever seen. My knees were trembling from the beauty of this magnificent place. “Who could possibly live here?” I asked myself quietly. “ I wonder if I can peek in, if anyone is at home,” I again said.
I moved closer to the huge doors, slowly they parted, alarmed I jumped back, “oh my they know I am here” as I moved to turn away and go back, fearing they might be angry that I was here. “Trespassing could get one into a lot of trouble,” I said again to myself. I had no need for trouble and moved on back toward the path. “ Wait, don’t leave” I heard a pleasant voice say, you’re welcome here.” My heart was pounding and I turned back to the entrance as I saw standing there an elder man in a wonderful robe of blue, trimmed in a golden edges. He held his hand out to me and softly spoke “come my child, we will not harm you.” Taking my hand into his strong hand he guided me into a courtyard. I stood frozen and in disbelief as I looked at the huge fountains made of marble, water flowing gently into a stream that seemed to flow out into the hills. I imagined they were feeding this life sending water to all the beautiful fields I had seen on my way here.” How very awesome” I thought as he moved me on forward. Suddenly he moved his hand from mine and left me standing alone. “Where had he gone” I wondered.
“Welcome my child” another voice saying to me, this time it was a woman’s. “We have been expecting you,” she softly said. I was not afraid as she moved closer to me. “ I said to her “ you look like someone I should know.’ She had the most beautiful smile cross her face as she spoke again “yes dear, you have seen me. I left before you were born, I must say you do look an awfully lot like me.” Frightened now I moved away. Reaching for my hand she spoke again, ‘ I am your Grandmother Maggie dear, it is ok come with me.” I seemed to stumble and my legs fell limp, an excitement filled my inner being. “Who was that man that opened the doors for me?’ I asked her. “That was your Great Uncle John, he has been here a very long time, come let me introduce you to the others” she said smiling.
We started walking down a very long path, as another man approached, holding his arms out to me, “ he said hello my child, welcome I am your Great Grandfather, James Yost, as he pulled me close. “ I have looked forward to this day. To finally meet you, your Grandmother will show you around I will see you later go with your Grandmother now.” I loosened myself and looked into his warm face, he was exactly like the pictures I had of him, warm and his beard a soft white covered his gentle face. “ I said to him” I have wanted to know you since I first saw you, how are you.” Laughing softly and gentle he said to me “ I know child, I have watched as you traveled.”
‘Come Grandmother said, we have much to see my child.” Taking her hand again, I followed her into another room. It was brilliant silver, with curtains of red, hanging from huge windows that had the beautiful glass in them. Light filtered through in soft rays and warmed the room as I looked around. Familiar faces, looking at me, “oh my” everyone is here. “Yes child these are your Uncles and Aunts from another time.” They all moved toward me with faces smiling as they approached, each hugging me and welcoming me into this place. Telling me whom they were, how each of them had watched me grow. I was just so amazed that they had followed my life and I wondered if all the other children had been so lucky. Grandmother must have been reading my mind,” yes dear the other children are here. We will meet them later, if that is alright with you” she spoke again.” Gosh she must know everything “ I thought to myself, laughing softly she turned to me “yes child I do.” “Come now child we will be late,” she said sternly this time,” Your Grandfather is waiting.
Grandmother lead me to another room, it seemed empty at first and my eyes had to adjust to the light as it streamed in from a glass window, laden of gold and blue hues, small amounts of red trimmed the outer edges and a touch of green as I realized it was a picture of their farm framed in this eloquent way. A man of stature stepped forward, wearing a suit of the finest wools, colored in a warm golden brown. “ Come, come child, no need to be afraid,” he spoke in a stern voice, giving me cause to tremble a bit. Grandmother smiled, as she saw I was a bit frightened and said to me “ it is alright child, it’s just his way.”
“ I am your Grandfather Noah,” he said sternly speaking again. “ You have been a busy girl I see. Yes I have looked over you my child; I was with you when you climbed the hill back up on the old farm and sat there wondering why you never got to see us. I must admit I got a chuckle as you climbed that hill and then tried to climb that big old rock, never could do that myself. I watched as you came to the place I was laid to rest by your Grandmother, I was with you when you walked into the church where I preached, I knew you felt the love as you touched that old pulpit and sat in the pews, imaging me standing there preaching to you. I must admit again that I was proud to be your Grandfather that day. I saw you go into the school where your Dad attended, you were wondering how many switches he got I know, Blaine was a good child, he loved to learn, seems like you might have taken after him some. You were enjoying your Uncle Sam as he took you to all those places you had wanted to see. Yes child I watched as you grew closely.” “Oh Grandfather, “ I said to him. “ I knew it, I felt you there. I have had so many question to ask of you.” “Slow down child, we have plenty of time; you will get all the answers you want. Now come with me, I have someone who wants to see you.”
He did not take my hand as he walked quickly expecting me to keep up with him, “oh goodness he sure walks fast’ I thought, as he came to another huge door, opening it came a burst of golden sunlight, almost blinding me as I put a hand over so I could see where we were going. “Come quit diddly daddling now” he said. I hastened my steps to keep up and into sight came a beautiful garden, flowers and trees lined the edges of a most beautiful grasses I had ever seen. A big old Oak stood off by its self, as we approached I saw a golden swing, one meant for two hanging there and a man sitting in it. Grandfather stepped back and said to me “go on child, he is waiting on you.” I looked back at Grandfather and he was gone. Slowly the light caught just right and I was running and screaming with pure joy as the man stood up from the swing.” Daddy, Daddy, is it really you? As I leaped into his arms they wrapped around me, hugging me and then pushing me back. ‘Let me look at you” he said, a voice so familiar, as tears fell down my cheeks. “ Oh God is this really true, are you really here, oh I have missed you so much.” “Yes Toby this is true and you are here and I have another surprise for you, now sit down and I will be back shortly with the surprise, Just take my old pole here and you can fish while I am gone, fishing here is good, caught a big bass the other day.” As he handed it to me, I noticed it was golden to and the fishing line was a silver thread that glistened with the sunlight. Sitting there in that swing waiting on him, I cast the line and sure enough, the line begin to pull and as I lifted it I saw a beautiful bass, as I brought it to lay on the grasses, I unhooked it throwing it back into the blue waters. “Live on little fish “ I said. Settling back into the swing. I felt like dozing as I waited for Daddy to return.
I awoke with the sound of my name being called, wake up Toby, wake up, jumping up from the swing, with that old familiar voice ringing in my ears I saw Mother coming to me. I ran and clinging to her, I cried a thousands tears right there. ‘Now you stop that” she said and I smiled knowing that it was her. “Oh Momma am I really here with you where did Daddy go off to now?’ I asked her. “You will see him later today, now sit so we can talk.” ‘Yes Mom, how have you been? I sure did miss you.” Yes Toby, I know that you have and you have been moping around a lot, I have been watching over you and the kids you know.” I began to laugh, “yes that lamp of yours blinks a lot, I finally figured out it was you.’ She began to laugh and then got stern with me “you have been wasting a lot time sitting around feeling sad and ignoring things that should be done.” After all this time I thought she would not be fussing at me, ‘yes Mom I know.’ ‘Well get up and come with me now we have a dinner to get to.”
Following her back into another place, we entered a lovely dinning hall. Its tables were set with gold and silver and the food set out was a feast fit for a king. ‘Momma, who lives here and you mean we are eating dinner here?’ she chuckled and said to me “yes dear we are.” Sitting at the head of the table were Granddads and Grand Mother’s at the other end. Friends I hadn’t seen were there and all were waving and smiling at me, relatives that had gone before were there, as Mother sat me down by her and Daddy, “enjoy it now Toby “ she said. I began to feast on all the things I loved, “this was the life ‘ I thought to myself as Daddy looked at me and said ‘yes Toby it is.” ‘Wow he can read my mind also’ I thought. ‘Everyone knowing what the other thought I wasn’t sure about that’ I said aloud and as they all chuckled at me, I laughed back.
Soon it seemed I was stuffed and everyone had gone but Mom and Daddy, they both stood and said it was time for them to leave me. “Oh God not again please, please I need you. Its beautiful here and I want to stay with you please I asked?’
Daddy spoke and Mom took my hand “Uncle John will be here soon to show you back Toby, this was just a short visit for you to know we are all here and happy. We are all doing well and you have lots of work left to do.” Mom let go of my hand and spoke to me “ now you get on back and get dinner ready, they are waiting on you to feed them.”
Uncle John, appeared again and Mom and Daddy were gone,’ where are they, where did they all go, I want to stay here with all of you please don’t make me go please.” Uncle John taking my hand lead me to the big oak doors, opening them he showed me out saying its not your time child go back. You have much to do yet, all will come in good time.’ the doors closed and all the beautiful fields were gone and I was standing on the trail in the woods and looked back, as I slowly came awake, ‘man what a dream,’wait I thought that wasn’t a dream that was a visit letting me know all is right in the house on the hill.
© Tobie Haga Roy
I was walking through my beloved mountains and hills, following a path I had often taken. Singing and humming I kept walking. The suns warmth settling over my tired body, smiling I kept onwards Suddenly I was coming to a path that I had never seen.” Where did this come from” I asked myself, puzzled with its sudden presence. The path was laid in a beautiful herringbone pattern of golden brick. Flowers popped out from either side of golden rods, blue bells, and lilacs. Fragrance filled the air, as I saw the huge cedars and oaks far into the distance. “ Oh goodness where am I “ as I said aloud knowing I was here alone. “ This is paradise, am I in heaven?”
Traveling father on the path, I saw a house off into the sunset. Hasting my steps I quickly closed the distance. As I approached this place I was breathless. Standing before me was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. Made of shimmering golden bricks, its windows all glass stained in beautiful colors of the rainbow. A huge double door stood in the mass entrance, made of the finest oak I had ever seen. My knees were trembling from the beauty of this magnificent place. “Who could possibly live here?” I asked myself quietly. “ I wonder if I can peek in, if anyone is at home,” I again said.
I moved closer to the huge doors, slowly they parted, alarmed I jumped back, “oh my they know I am here” as I moved to turn away and go back, fearing they might be angry that I was here. “Trespassing could get one into a lot of trouble,” I said again to myself. I had no need for trouble and moved on back toward the path. “ Wait, don’t leave” I heard a pleasant voice say, you’re welcome here.” My heart was pounding and I turned back to the entrance as I saw standing there an elder man in a wonderful robe of blue, trimmed in a golden edges. He held his hand out to me and softly spoke “come my child, we will not harm you.” Taking my hand into his strong hand he guided me into a courtyard. I stood frozen and in disbelief as I looked at the huge fountains made of marble, water flowing gently into a stream that seemed to flow out into the hills. I imagined they were feeding this life sending water to all the beautiful fields I had seen on my way here.” How very awesome” I thought as he moved me on forward. Suddenly he moved his hand from mine and left me standing alone. “Where had he gone” I wondered.
“Welcome my child” another voice saying to me, this time it was a woman’s. “We have been expecting you,” she softly said. I was not afraid as she moved closer to me. “ I said to her “ you look like someone I should know.’ She had the most beautiful smile cross her face as she spoke again “yes dear, you have seen me. I left before you were born, I must say you do look an awfully lot like me.” Frightened now I moved away. Reaching for my hand she spoke again, ‘ I am your Grandmother Maggie dear, it is ok come with me.” I seemed to stumble and my legs fell limp, an excitement filled my inner being. “Who was that man that opened the doors for me?’ I asked her. “That was your Great Uncle John, he has been here a very long time, come let me introduce you to the others” she said smiling.
We started walking down a very long path, as another man approached, holding his arms out to me, “ he said hello my child, welcome I am your Great Grandfather, James Yost, as he pulled me close. “ I have looked forward to this day. To finally meet you, your Grandmother will show you around I will see you later go with your Grandmother now.” I loosened myself and looked into his warm face, he was exactly like the pictures I had of him, warm and his beard a soft white covered his gentle face. “ I said to him” I have wanted to know you since I first saw you, how are you.” Laughing softly and gentle he said to me “ I know child, I have watched as you traveled.”
‘Come Grandmother said, we have much to see my child.” Taking her hand again, I followed her into another room. It was brilliant silver, with curtains of red, hanging from huge windows that had the beautiful glass in them. Light filtered through in soft rays and warmed the room as I looked around. Familiar faces, looking at me, “oh my” everyone is here. “Yes child these are your Uncles and Aunts from another time.” They all moved toward me with faces smiling as they approached, each hugging me and welcoming me into this place. Telling me whom they were, how each of them had watched me grow. I was just so amazed that they had followed my life and I wondered if all the other children had been so lucky. Grandmother must have been reading my mind,” yes dear the other children are here. We will meet them later, if that is alright with you” she spoke again.” Gosh she must know everything “ I thought to myself, laughing softly she turned to me “yes child I do.” “Come now child we will be late,” she said sternly this time,” Your Grandfather is waiting.
Grandmother lead me to another room, it seemed empty at first and my eyes had to adjust to the light as it streamed in from a glass window, laden of gold and blue hues, small amounts of red trimmed the outer edges and a touch of green as I realized it was a picture of their farm framed in this eloquent way. A man of stature stepped forward, wearing a suit of the finest wools, colored in a warm golden brown. “ Come, come child, no need to be afraid,” he spoke in a stern voice, giving me cause to tremble a bit. Grandmother smiled, as she saw I was a bit frightened and said to me “ it is alright child, it’s just his way.”
“ I am your Grandfather Noah,” he said sternly speaking again. “ You have been a busy girl I see. Yes I have looked over you my child; I was with you when you climbed the hill back up on the old farm and sat there wondering why you never got to see us. I must admit I got a chuckle as you climbed that hill and then tried to climb that big old rock, never could do that myself. I watched as you came to the place I was laid to rest by your Grandmother, I was with you when you walked into the church where I preached, I knew you felt the love as you touched that old pulpit and sat in the pews, imaging me standing there preaching to you. I must admit again that I was proud to be your Grandfather that day. I saw you go into the school where your Dad attended, you were wondering how many switches he got I know, Blaine was a good child, he loved to learn, seems like you might have taken after him some. You were enjoying your Uncle Sam as he took you to all those places you had wanted to see. Yes child I watched as you grew closely.” “Oh Grandfather, “ I said to him. “ I knew it, I felt you there. I have had so many question to ask of you.” “Slow down child, we have plenty of time; you will get all the answers you want. Now come with me, I have someone who wants to see you.”
He did not take my hand as he walked quickly expecting me to keep up with him, “oh goodness he sure walks fast’ I thought, as he came to another huge door, opening it came a burst of golden sunlight, almost blinding me as I put a hand over so I could see where we were going. “Come quit diddly daddling now” he said. I hastened my steps to keep up and into sight came a beautiful garden, flowers and trees lined the edges of a most beautiful grasses I had ever seen. A big old Oak stood off by its self, as we approached I saw a golden swing, one meant for two hanging there and a man sitting in it. Grandfather stepped back and said to me “go on child, he is waiting on you.” I looked back at Grandfather and he was gone. Slowly the light caught just right and I was running and screaming with pure joy as the man stood up from the swing.” Daddy, Daddy, is it really you? As I leaped into his arms they wrapped around me, hugging me and then pushing me back. ‘Let me look at you” he said, a voice so familiar, as tears fell down my cheeks. “ Oh God is this really true, are you really here, oh I have missed you so much.” “Yes Toby this is true and you are here and I have another surprise for you, now sit down and I will be back shortly with the surprise, Just take my old pole here and you can fish while I am gone, fishing here is good, caught a big bass the other day.” As he handed it to me, I noticed it was golden to and the fishing line was a silver thread that glistened with the sunlight. Sitting there in that swing waiting on him, I cast the line and sure enough, the line begin to pull and as I lifted it I saw a beautiful bass, as I brought it to lay on the grasses, I unhooked it throwing it back into the blue waters. “Live on little fish “ I said. Settling back into the swing. I felt like dozing as I waited for Daddy to return.
I awoke with the sound of my name being called, wake up Toby, wake up, jumping up from the swing, with that old familiar voice ringing in my ears I saw Mother coming to me. I ran and clinging to her, I cried a thousands tears right there. ‘Now you stop that” she said and I smiled knowing that it was her. “Oh Momma am I really here with you where did Daddy go off to now?’ I asked her. “You will see him later today, now sit so we can talk.” ‘Yes Mom, how have you been? I sure did miss you.” Yes Toby, I know that you have and you have been moping around a lot, I have been watching over you and the kids you know.” I began to laugh, “yes that lamp of yours blinks a lot, I finally figured out it was you.’ She began to laugh and then got stern with me “you have been wasting a lot time sitting around feeling sad and ignoring things that should be done.” After all this time I thought she would not be fussing at me, ‘yes Mom I know.’ ‘Well get up and come with me now we have a dinner to get to.”
Following her back into another place, we entered a lovely dinning hall. Its tables were set with gold and silver and the food set out was a feast fit for a king. ‘Momma, who lives here and you mean we are eating dinner here?’ she chuckled and said to me “yes dear we are.” Sitting at the head of the table were Granddads and Grand Mother’s at the other end. Friends I hadn’t seen were there and all were waving and smiling at me, relatives that had gone before were there, as Mother sat me down by her and Daddy, “enjoy it now Toby “ she said. I began to feast on all the things I loved, “this was the life ‘ I thought to myself as Daddy looked at me and said ‘yes Toby it is.” ‘Wow he can read my mind also’ I thought. ‘Everyone knowing what the other thought I wasn’t sure about that’ I said aloud and as they all chuckled at me, I laughed back.
Soon it seemed I was stuffed and everyone had gone but Mom and Daddy, they both stood and said it was time for them to leave me. “Oh God not again please, please I need you. Its beautiful here and I want to stay with you please I asked?’
Daddy spoke and Mom took my hand “Uncle John will be here soon to show you back Toby, this was just a short visit for you to know we are all here and happy. We are all doing well and you have lots of work left to do.” Mom let go of my hand and spoke to me “ now you get on back and get dinner ready, they are waiting on you to feed them.”
Uncle John, appeared again and Mom and Daddy were gone,’ where are they, where did they all go, I want to stay here with all of you please don’t make me go please.” Uncle John taking my hand lead me to the big oak doors, opening them he showed me out saying its not your time child go back. You have much to do yet, all will come in good time.’ the doors closed and all the beautiful fields were gone and I was standing on the trail in the woods and looked back, as I slowly came awake, ‘man what a dream,’wait I thought that wasn’t a dream that was a visit letting me know all is right in the house on the hill.
© Tobie Haga Roy
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Demon In The Night
Reaching for the coverlet my hand found an empty space as I searched for it. Sleepy eyes narrowly opening as I tried to look about. Hands searching for what I thought as my heart seemed to skip a beat as my mind rambled back to my dream. Slowly I slid off the bed, covers tripping my feet as I stumbled over my pillow and grabbed the doorway to keep from falling. Rubbing my eyes and turning the water faucet on, feeling the cool water made my senses come awake and alert. What the hell was that I thought, I turned and looked at my bed, it looked like a tornado had passed through and claimed it. Back in the room I leaned to pick the coverlet up and felt my life had somehow changed.
Sitting down on the freshly made bed, I tried to remember my dream, bits and pieces flashed before me, making me frightened and somehow annoying me that the dream seemed to have vanished but yet I felt different. Going to the kitchen and putting the coffee on, reaching for my cigarettes I lit one and leaned my head into my hands trying to focus back to last night. I had seen violence and anger and fear seemed to dominate my thoughts now. Somehow I knew that deep down something had been released and I must hope to try and find it. Pouring my coffee now, I felt uneasiness and like a child now I wanted to scream and run and hide, what had been there for me to see and would I ever let it come to surface.
As the day wore on images of my past came before me, leaving a nagging in me to end this nightmare. I used all the usual things to put the dream in perspective, things that had happened during the day, words that had been spoken and feelings I had shared with a friend, none seemed to relate to the dream as I put my mind now on dinner. Cooking always made me happy and while I readied the meal, I felt a strong pull deep within me as a tragic time reentered my mind, almost stumbling I sat down, tears now filling my eyes as this vision came back frightening me once more as though it had just happened, oh god please what are you trying to show me I asked. Make this go way as I didn’t want to go here again while a flash of violence crept slowly in. The drunkenness and violence were real once more, as I saw him hit her landing her on the floor and turning with a gun in his hand he looked at me telling me to sit and listen. Trying to hide my face with my hands covering my eyes, tears rolled down, I refused to look and go back. I got up to finish my cooking.
While darkness came to claim its right, my mind feared the darkness now; this would be a sleepless night I thought. Turning the television on I looked for a home show, something light and easy so my mind might relax a bit and loose this terrible feeling. I wanted to keep things at a comfort level as I said goodnight to those in the house and turned my attention to the television. Grabbing a throw I slid down on the sofa and felt myself falling back into the torment of my dream. I froze as thoughts of horror and struggle came rushing in, I bolted up and thought what the hell happened that I couldn’t remember was it that bad to block my mind and gather this force upon me. Did I need to unlock a door of my past and see things my mind had blocked? I needed a coffee now and another cigarette, if there had been any wine I would have gone for that, I was frightened to look back now.
The violence had started back when I was a child, each time seeming to reach a new crescendo till fear was all there was. Never knowing why things had changed from a happy childhood with loving parents to this abuse and horror. Drinking seemed to be the starting point if my mind served me right now. After the drinking came the bickering, then the hitting, then the guns and knives. Oh god I can’t go through this again please help me not to look back I prayed. Somehow I was not to put this aside so quickly now, did I really need to see what changed my world and why? Mother seemed to have made a permanent blackout in her mind, never reliving it that I knew of, she had suffered so much and after years my father had become a good man once more, so why now did this come fleeting back into my dreams, was there more I needed to know. They were dead now and family had lost all connection, did that have a key? No one wanted to talk and my brothers had never known the horror I had lived through, what would be the point, my world consisted of good things and my children with their lives seeming to be good. Was this a warning that I needed to take serious, I had often had premonitions of bad happening and I was usually right, as was the day I went to Mother and told her bad things were coming and they would destroy our family, sitting down that day she told me of the same feelings. We both had been through so much together but we never had an inkling that our lives would forever change. After months of heartbreak and sorrow, along with anger and hate, our world would change. For me it would take me away leaving her alone and vulnerable, was this right I didn’t care I needed to go and I acted quickly with no thoughts of the future just change, yes I was running, running away from this life and never wanting to relive it again. Months had passed and once again we became friends, now going home, I moved her closer to me and with a new start we enjoyed our time together, never speaking of the horror we had lived through for so many years. It was over so we thought. This demon in me gathered hold once more, coming in swift and with anger, saying words of hurt, hurling accusations as if all were her fault, never taking a moment to realize I was wrong, I left and never returned to tell her I loved her and was sorry for my actions, she later died while I was far away as I had once more run again. What was inside me that made me this way, I looked and faced up to what I thought I needed to and moved on or did I? I know that whatever this demon is, it is real and present waiting to strike me, when I am asleep and vulnerable, turmoil wanting to set in as I once again want to run, but where and why, I can’t go now I have a deeper need to sit and wait, to see what has locked itself in my mind, barring me from it. Is it to horrible for me to face? I don’t know, but I will be here waiting and scared, but I will be here and that is what I need to face this demon of the night.
Sitting down on the freshly made bed, I tried to remember my dream, bits and pieces flashed before me, making me frightened and somehow annoying me that the dream seemed to have vanished but yet I felt different. Going to the kitchen and putting the coffee on, reaching for my cigarettes I lit one and leaned my head into my hands trying to focus back to last night. I had seen violence and anger and fear seemed to dominate my thoughts now. Somehow I knew that deep down something had been released and I must hope to try and find it. Pouring my coffee now, I felt uneasiness and like a child now I wanted to scream and run and hide, what had been there for me to see and would I ever let it come to surface.
As the day wore on images of my past came before me, leaving a nagging in me to end this nightmare. I used all the usual things to put the dream in perspective, things that had happened during the day, words that had been spoken and feelings I had shared with a friend, none seemed to relate to the dream as I put my mind now on dinner. Cooking always made me happy and while I readied the meal, I felt a strong pull deep within me as a tragic time reentered my mind, almost stumbling I sat down, tears now filling my eyes as this vision came back frightening me once more as though it had just happened, oh god please what are you trying to show me I asked. Make this go way as I didn’t want to go here again while a flash of violence crept slowly in. The drunkenness and violence were real once more, as I saw him hit her landing her on the floor and turning with a gun in his hand he looked at me telling me to sit and listen. Trying to hide my face with my hands covering my eyes, tears rolled down, I refused to look and go back. I got up to finish my cooking.
While darkness came to claim its right, my mind feared the darkness now; this would be a sleepless night I thought. Turning the television on I looked for a home show, something light and easy so my mind might relax a bit and loose this terrible feeling. I wanted to keep things at a comfort level as I said goodnight to those in the house and turned my attention to the television. Grabbing a throw I slid down on the sofa and felt myself falling back into the torment of my dream. I froze as thoughts of horror and struggle came rushing in, I bolted up and thought what the hell happened that I couldn’t remember was it that bad to block my mind and gather this force upon me. Did I need to unlock a door of my past and see things my mind had blocked? I needed a coffee now and another cigarette, if there had been any wine I would have gone for that, I was frightened to look back now.
The violence had started back when I was a child, each time seeming to reach a new crescendo till fear was all there was. Never knowing why things had changed from a happy childhood with loving parents to this abuse and horror. Drinking seemed to be the starting point if my mind served me right now. After the drinking came the bickering, then the hitting, then the guns and knives. Oh god I can’t go through this again please help me not to look back I prayed. Somehow I was not to put this aside so quickly now, did I really need to see what changed my world and why? Mother seemed to have made a permanent blackout in her mind, never reliving it that I knew of, she had suffered so much and after years my father had become a good man once more, so why now did this come fleeting back into my dreams, was there more I needed to know. They were dead now and family had lost all connection, did that have a key? No one wanted to talk and my brothers had never known the horror I had lived through, what would be the point, my world consisted of good things and my children with their lives seeming to be good. Was this a warning that I needed to take serious, I had often had premonitions of bad happening and I was usually right, as was the day I went to Mother and told her bad things were coming and they would destroy our family, sitting down that day she told me of the same feelings. We both had been through so much together but we never had an inkling that our lives would forever change. After months of heartbreak and sorrow, along with anger and hate, our world would change. For me it would take me away leaving her alone and vulnerable, was this right I didn’t care I needed to go and I acted quickly with no thoughts of the future just change, yes I was running, running away from this life and never wanting to relive it again. Months had passed and once again we became friends, now going home, I moved her closer to me and with a new start we enjoyed our time together, never speaking of the horror we had lived through for so many years. It was over so we thought. This demon in me gathered hold once more, coming in swift and with anger, saying words of hurt, hurling accusations as if all were her fault, never taking a moment to realize I was wrong, I left and never returned to tell her I loved her and was sorry for my actions, she later died while I was far away as I had once more run again. What was inside me that made me this way, I looked and faced up to what I thought I needed to and moved on or did I? I know that whatever this demon is, it is real and present waiting to strike me, when I am asleep and vulnerable, turmoil wanting to set in as I once again want to run, but where and why, I can’t go now I have a deeper need to sit and wait, to see what has locked itself in my mind, barring me from it. Is it to horrible for me to face? I don’t know, but I will be here waiting and scared, but I will be here and that is what I need to face this demon of the night.
A New Day
A new day has approached for me in this wonderful life I have been given. Through good times and bad I hope that I may publish something here someone will like or love, even dislike is ok as long as it is done in a good way. I hope that I can share my heart here with those who find their way to me. You never know what you will get as I do not know most times. I love dabbling in many areas and have an opinion about most things. If you happen by please post a comment so I know that I am not alone, I hate loneliness. Tobie
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